From Madonna: Every little thing that you say or do, I’m hung up. I’m hung up on you.
***
My affair with The Guy from Taiwan started last summer, that three month period when I started my affairs with numerous guys. I met him somewhere and we agreed that we ought to have coffee since we liked each other that much. The conversation was amiable, with the expected uncomfortable silences in between. Topics ranged from where we studied, what we do for a living to what is our expectations from boyfriends.
Right off the bat, we were clear that we’re not into relationships. His thinking was it would be inconvenient for him to be in a relationship with someone from another country blah blah blah. I told him I’m not into relationships since I could not stand the drama which entails. But the truth is I’m just too lazy to actually get to know the guys I’m only interested in sleeping with for the next two hours.
After finishing our coffees, I asked him where should we go from there. “But I thought you said you weren’t into one night stands?” he asked. I replied with piety and all the bullshit in me, “But if I sleep with you again tomorrow, it would not be a one night stand would it?” Kumagat ang chekwa.
***
THE PROTOCOL:
Kung Paano Makipag-Jerjeran sa Chekwa
After my first dalliance with TGFT, he became a Skyflake. Actually I elevated him to the status of Skyflakes Emeritus. Why not naman eh may ichu naman talaga itong taong ito. What more, edukado, maganda trabaho at walang komplikasyon kasi hindi naman naming na-ooverlap ang mga buhay-buhay naming. Kumbaga, jerjer lang kung jerjer. There began my fascination with Fun Taiwan.
I would get a text message from The Guy from Taiwan around 5PM. He would ask me if I want to meet up. I would always say yes since a) it’s convenient and b) eh may ichura naman ang lalaking ire na bakit ko palalampasin. Sure, he’s a few inches shorter than me (no pun intended) and a few centimetres shorter than me (insert pun here.) But what his shortcomings in height and length, he substitutes with an amazing performance na talaga nga naming export quality. After him, eh talagang bilib ako sa mga may tatak na Made in Taiwan.
I would proceed to meet him in his condominium in Legaspi Village, just a stone’s throw away from my office building – how convenient! But our meetings would take place at 10 PM when we both ahve finished our dinners with actual friends. Pagpasok ko sa condominium niya, he’d be in his PJs – very cute and demure. I would tell him I need to use his bathroom, then he’d prepare a pitcher of water for me.
Paglabas...JERJER. Jerjer sa kama. Jerjer sa kusina. Jerjer sa sofa. Jerjer sa carpet – not recommended. Jerjer sa banyo. Jerjer to the highest level. After which inom ng tubig. Ngingiti ako. Ngingiti din siya. Then I’d use the toilet again, dress up and kiss him goodnight. He’d pretend to care where I’m going – normally to drink with friends – and I’d ask him what he’s up to. (Haller, at midnight and he’s in his PJs. Malamang matutulog na ang singkit.) This went on for a couple of weeks; you could say we were...steady Skyflakes. As in Skyflakes Emeritus nga.
***
What I like about him is the convenience of not having to do the whole ritual of meeting people I’m not interested in having actual relationships with, but just the thrill of casual sex with no strings attached. Literal na no strings attached kasi yung iba diyan naa-attach after a while tapos they’d add you in facebook and text you to ask why you haven’t added them yet. Ang chaka. Clin-jee! Ayoko ng clin-jee.
With TGFT, text ka lang, then come 10 PM proceed to La Perla Mansion and babati ka sa guard and the guard will give you that all knowing smile that says, “Si Ser, makikipaglampungan na naman dun sa Taiwanese na mukhang artista sa Stairway to Heaven.” Kung pwede ko lang kausapin ang mga guards, sasabihan ko sila, habang stiff ang aking upper lip (among other things), “Weno ngayon?!?”
I like convenience. I like our routine. Kahit 2 PM, 5 PM or 6 PM ako magtext, he’d reply around 6.30 PM when he’s on break from his work in a Singaporean firm na hindi ko alam kung ano ginagawa niya dun. (TGFT: I’m a consultant.) Weno ngayon?!?
***
THIS IS ALL I KNOW:
Random Things I Know About TGFT
His name is Stanley. (Or is it Stan Lee?) He is 31 years old. He grew up in Singapore but was born in Taiwan. He studied in London. He works in PBCom Tower. He likes Zara and skinny jeans. He adores Coldplay. He drinks wine. He plays poker with his friends. He doesn’t smoke. His apartment is not too messy but not really clean. He has amazing toiletries. He has a steady supply of poppers which I adore about him. He’s good, no, great in the performing arts. Wink, wink.
And lastly, matampuhin siyang hinayupak na siya.
***
YUN LANG NAGTAMPO KA NA?
It’s Babaw Hence I’m Clin-Jee
Sometime last July (ang tagal na and medyo irita pa rin ako dib a?!?), I had to go to Batangas to attend some ribbon-cutting for work. I also had to give a speech to employees of a company that is a regular donor of my work. I was up since 5AM and arrived in Manila at 4PM. I had to go to a meeting at 6PM and was at home by 7.30. He texted me at 5PM asking me to drop by his house.
VIC: Sure, I’ll be there. I’ll see you at ten.
Eh siyempre mas makati pa ako sa higad, i thought, if i arrive at home at 7.30, i still have two hours to nap and proceed to his house and make it to the ten PM one on one session. I slept and set the alarm clock at 9PM. I can get freshened up and run to his house. Time management to the nth level. Walang pagod-pagod sa baklang may booking.
Aba, nakatulog ako ng mahimbing. He called me up at 11PM asking me if I’m still dropping by. I told him, “Oh my golly, I just woke up. I’m on my way.” I still went to his house despite my being so effing tired. Props to me. Pero after that nanlamig na ang chekwa. I don’t know what got into him. Fine, I was late. But he was just at home. It’s not like we were meeting somewhere else. He had the convenience of his bed, his TV and his computer top entertain himself. Di ko gets ano pinupunterya niya. Plus, umappear pa rin ang lola mo.
***
THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT
Ang Baklang Baseball
I noticed that he was cold. I would text him and ask him if he wanted to meet up. His first excuse was he was tired. Keri. Nagtatampo ang lolo. I gave him a week. After a week, I asked him if he wanted me to come over. His excuse was he was sick with flu. Kasgsagan pa ito ng swine flu. Keri. Kahit may kurot dahil 2 rejections in a row, keribels. Sa pangatlong pagkakataon, I texted him at 3PM.
VIC: Hey Stanley, wanna meet up? Haven’t seen you in weeks.
STANLEY: I’m out of town for a business trip.
Ang pinagtataka ko lang, kahit ba out of town siya kailangan ang reply niya eh 6.30 PM pa rin? Just like his usual break time kapag nasa PBCom lang siya? I proceeded to investigate. As in pumasok ang kaluluwa nung stalker na character ni Cameron Diaz sa Vanilla Sky sa akin. I went to Palanca Street in Makati where his condo is. Good thing madaming bars sa hilera ng kalye and umupo ako at uminom. Pero ang pakay ko talaga eh para maging Sherlock Holmes, ang baklang usiserang pinsan ni Margie Holmes. Pwede ding the gay cousin of Katie Holmes. Pero kung baklang pinsan ako ni Katie Holmes, malamang najerjer ko na si Tom Cruise and hindi na ako maiirita ng ganito.
Anyway, at precisely 9.45 PM nakita ko si Stanley na naglalakad sa Palanca Street pauwi. Heto ba ang out of town na sinasabi mo?!? Considered nap ala out of town ang Salcedo Village since sa Legaspi ka nauwi? Anong kalokohan ito?!? I did not confront him. But I did send him a text message.
VIC: I thought you were out of town? My friends saw you walking to your house.
STANLEY: How come your friends know me? Did you ask them to spy on me? Why are you acting crazy?
Anyenye! Oo nga naman, bakit siya kilala ng mga friends ko. Anyway, kung sinagot ko siya, heto ang mga sagot ko. 1. They don’t know you. It was actually me. 2. I did not ask them to spy on you because I can and I did spy for myself. 3. Kasi nagtampo ka ng walang katuturan. CHOZ.
***
I think I’m a fairly level-headed guy. I can take No for an answer. I can just lick my wounds. I can dust myself off and proceed. I can move on. Hindi naman magugunaw mundo ko pag ayaw mo na sa akin. Hindi rin ako namimilit ng ayaw. Pero for someone to just leave me hanging in the air, eh, ang pangit naman ng arrive na yan. Kumbaga diretsuhin mo ako. Mano man lang bang sabihin mo, “Hoy Bakla, ayoko na sa iyo. Nagawa na natin lahat ng pwedeng gawin and it’s time to move on” or “Enough is enough.” Kaya ko naman yun eh. Wag lang yung nagmumukha akong tanga kasi makakagawa talaga ako ng mga bagay na mas magmumukha akong tanga. Gaya ng stalking.
It depressed me that my love (love anuveh?!?) affair with Taiwan ended on such a sour note. Normally i get to dump people I have casual sex with and this was the first time that I was the dumpee. Masakit. I tried to act like the bigger person that I am. I thought about poverty in our country. I thought about people who are not free to do what they wanna do, yung mga tao sa communist countries. I thought about the dolphins that need to be saved from being endangered. I thought about injustice in Iran. I thought about the underprivileged children I so work hard for and I realized na wala akong pakialam sa kanilang lahat – I just got dumped.
***
Isa lang masasabi ko. Actually madami. Hoy Stanley or Stan Lee or kung ano man totoo mong pangalan kasi I’m sure pangit yun like Prang Wek or Hoi Sin Soz or Lee Kum Kee, kung ayaw mo na sa akin, eh di GOW! Madami pang Skyflakes sa mundo. And don’t worry about me, I mean, look at me! I will bounce, and I have bounced back. Any guy would be very lucky to have me in their arms for two hours or so. Its your loss.
Anyway, you wanna meet up tonight?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Ang Taxing May Syphilis, Bow.
It was supposed to be a very sweet, fun and casual wedding. I was asked by the bride and groom to co-host the reception with one of my great friends, Nicole Fonacier – hence it was gonna be a sweet, fun and casual wedding. Then I got the dreaded text message.
CO-WORKER #1: Vic, the boss is looking for the report that she was asking for. I had an argument pa nga with her and I told her I’m not her EA so there.
I also got a text message from my boss.
BOSS: Hi Vic and Co-worker #2, sorry to bother you during the weekend. I just wanted to check if you were able to email me the report I asked. I checked my mail and did not find any. I left the office in haste yesterday because I was trying to catch one of our donors. I just wanted to clear this because Co-worker #1 was implying I missed it.
VIC: Hi Ma’am. Co-worker #2 emailed me her part last night but I forgot to email you the whole report. I felt very harassed yesterday with the 2 EAs I fought with and totally forgot about the report. Still this is not an excuse and I take full responsibility for this. I will email you the report within the day.
In fairness, may ‘I take full responsibility’ chorva pa akong nalalaman. My boss perfectly understood and asked me to email the report within the day. Ang problema eh hindi ko pa ginagawa ang report. Isa pang problema eh nasa Ayala Alabang ako at nasa Makati pa ang office ko. Ang dalawa pang problema ay ako ang host sa wedding at mega-traffic sa SLEX dahil sa Skyway. Molars, bakit kayo na-rearrange!?!
***
I told my friends at the wedding that I had a work emergency and really had to leave. I asked a friend to drop me off at Festival Mall in Alabang so that it will be easier for me to get a cab. I got inside the first cab I saw – it was a very old dingy cab na kailangan na mare-upholster ang upuan kasi ramdam na ng buttcheeks ko ang spring. I told the Manong Driver that dadagdagan ko na lang yung metro nung taxi kasi alam kong traffic sa SLEX. In my finest barong garb, I told the driver:
VIC: Manong Driver, I’m telling you na dadagdagan ko na lang yung metro nung taxi kasi alam kong traffic sa SLEX. GOW!
I then called another officemate just to make chika about the nakakagulantang na events. I chatted with her in the Alabang traffic and nung wala na kami mapag-usapan eh nanduon pa lang kami sa tapat ng Metropoint. At, pagtingin ko sa metro ng mahiwagang taxi, P 80.00 na agad ang pinatak. Normally, even if I know that the meter is tampered, I just keep my mouth shut kasi ayoko mapaaway pero yung highway robbery naman eh hindi na makatarungan yan, friend.
VIC: Manong, P 80.00 na ang metro? Tanaw ko pa ang Festival Mall otsenta pesos ka na kaagad?
MANONG DRIVER: Traffic po kasi, ser, eh.
Ah ganon, ulol ka ba? Sige babantayan ko ang bawat patak ng metro mo. Pero sa loob-loob ko lang yan kasi magiging vigilant ako sa pagbantay sa magic meter. Much to my surprise and horror, pumapatak ng P 2.50 ang metro ni Manong Driver every 5 seconds. Walang biro. Kumbaga sa mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand, four-one thousand, five-one thousand…P 2.50! In my finest barong garb, I complained:
VIC: Manong, may daya talaga metro mo. Kada limang segundo pumapatak ng P 2.50. Halatang-halata.
Aba, Malaysia-Pakistan ang hombre. As in para akong utot na politely hindi mo i-a-acknowledge kasi nakakahiya dun sa umutot. As in dedma. What makes it worse eh tinakpan pa niya ang metro with his hand na kunwari hinawakan ang kambyo. Talo pa niya ang kamay ng bakla na kumambyo sa etits ng partner sa hawak niya sa kambyo – INTENSE!
VIC: Manong, kahit na takpan mo yan, kita ko pa rin na ang bilis ng metro mo.
One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand, four-one thousand, five-one thousand…P 2.50! Repeat until fade.
VIC: Manong, ang bilis talaga ng metro mo. Lantaran na pandaraya ang ginagawa mo. Akala mo yayaman ka niyan? Naririnig mo ba ako? Helen Keller isdatchu?
In my frustration natanong ko siya talaga kung siya si Helen Keller. Kasi kung dededma-dedma lang siya eh dim as lalo ako dadada ng dadada hanggang maaburido siya saken. Kahit ugatin na leeg ko sa kakadada, keri. The whole ride, he was ignoring my complaint. In fairness, may control yata siya sa metro dahil pagnagrereklamo ako bumabagal ang patak pero pag akala niya eh hindi ko siya binabantayan, hayun akala mo may syphilis ang metro – as in tulo ng tulo.
We got into Makati and thankfully hindi ko pa siya napapatay at hindi pa rin niya ako tinulak palabas ng taxi niyang may STD. The cab fare was P 350.00 – which was what I was planning to pay him, or even more. But from previous experiences, Makati to Alabang would just be less than P 200.00. I gave him the exact fare and he had the decency to ask me what truly infuriated me.
MANONG DRIVER: Boss, sabi mo dadagdagan mo pa ang metro.
VIC: ABA ABA ABA! Manong, kanina pa ako putak ng putak dito tungkol sa metro mong may sira at hindi mo ako pinapansin tapos ngayon may mukha ka pang humingi ng tip?!? Ang daya mo na nga eh tapos ganyan ka pa??? Patingin nga ng lisensya mo at irereport kita sa LTFRB. Akala mo hindi ko pagtutuunan ng pansin itong ganitong pandaraya?!? Hyasmin Taxi ha. Humanda ka.
MANONG DRIVER: EH IKAW ANG NAGSABI DIYAN NA DADAGDAGAN MO METRO EH. Malay ko ba kung may daya tong metro eh hindi ko naman to taxi.
At this point I already forgot the expletives that I said. Ang naalala ko lang binato ko siya ng P 500 sa mukha and I screamed, “AYAN! TIGNAN MO KUNG YAYAMAN KA DIYAN!” I swear, at that point I wished na lumabas yung Gypsy lola dun sa “Drag Me to Hell” para bigyan siya ng lambda curse.
Good thing the security guard in my building interfered, “Sir Vic, ano po ang problema?” to which I just asid, “Hetong taxi driver na to holdaper eh!” Then I got out of the cab and hinampas ko pasara yung pinto hanggang may narinig akong parang nakalas. And then I heard the driver shout some words that could not be printed even by me. And I was in my finest barong garb! I just ran to my building kasi baka mamaya ibato saken yung pintong mukhang nakalas.
I was gonna report him to LTFRB and sa lahat ng mga TODA na alam ko pero tinamad na ako. Nag-facebook na lang ako sa office on a Saturday night – in my finest barong garb.
CO-WORKER #1: Vic, the boss is looking for the report that she was asking for. I had an argument pa nga with her and I told her I’m not her EA so there.
I also got a text message from my boss.
BOSS: Hi Vic and Co-worker #2, sorry to bother you during the weekend. I just wanted to check if you were able to email me the report I asked. I checked my mail and did not find any. I left the office in haste yesterday because I was trying to catch one of our donors. I just wanted to clear this because Co-worker #1 was implying I missed it.
VIC: Hi Ma’am. Co-worker #2 emailed me her part last night but I forgot to email you the whole report. I felt very harassed yesterday with the 2 EAs I fought with and totally forgot about the report. Still this is not an excuse and I take full responsibility for this. I will email you the report within the day.
In fairness, may ‘I take full responsibility’ chorva pa akong nalalaman. My boss perfectly understood and asked me to email the report within the day. Ang problema eh hindi ko pa ginagawa ang report. Isa pang problema eh nasa Ayala Alabang ako at nasa Makati pa ang office ko. Ang dalawa pang problema ay ako ang host sa wedding at mega-traffic sa SLEX dahil sa Skyway. Molars, bakit kayo na-rearrange!?!
***
I told my friends at the wedding that I had a work emergency and really had to leave. I asked a friend to drop me off at Festival Mall in Alabang so that it will be easier for me to get a cab. I got inside the first cab I saw – it was a very old dingy cab na kailangan na mare-upholster ang upuan kasi ramdam na ng buttcheeks ko ang spring. I told the Manong Driver that dadagdagan ko na lang yung metro nung taxi kasi alam kong traffic sa SLEX. In my finest barong garb, I told the driver:
VIC: Manong Driver, I’m telling you na dadagdagan ko na lang yung metro nung taxi kasi alam kong traffic sa SLEX. GOW!
I then called another officemate just to make chika about the nakakagulantang na events. I chatted with her in the Alabang traffic and nung wala na kami mapag-usapan eh nanduon pa lang kami sa tapat ng Metropoint. At, pagtingin ko sa metro ng mahiwagang taxi, P 80.00 na agad ang pinatak. Normally, even if I know that the meter is tampered, I just keep my mouth shut kasi ayoko mapaaway pero yung highway robbery naman eh hindi na makatarungan yan, friend.
VIC: Manong, P 80.00 na ang metro? Tanaw ko pa ang Festival Mall otsenta pesos ka na kaagad?
MANONG DRIVER: Traffic po kasi, ser, eh.
Ah ganon, ulol ka ba? Sige babantayan ko ang bawat patak ng metro mo. Pero sa loob-loob ko lang yan kasi magiging vigilant ako sa pagbantay sa magic meter. Much to my surprise and horror, pumapatak ng P 2.50 ang metro ni Manong Driver every 5 seconds. Walang biro. Kumbaga sa mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand, four-one thousand, five-one thousand…P 2.50! In my finest barong garb, I complained:
VIC: Manong, may daya talaga metro mo. Kada limang segundo pumapatak ng P 2.50. Halatang-halata.
Aba, Malaysia-Pakistan ang hombre. As in para akong utot na politely hindi mo i-a-acknowledge kasi nakakahiya dun sa umutot. As in dedma. What makes it worse eh tinakpan pa niya ang metro with his hand na kunwari hinawakan ang kambyo. Talo pa niya ang kamay ng bakla na kumambyo sa etits ng partner sa hawak niya sa kambyo – INTENSE!
VIC: Manong, kahit na takpan mo yan, kita ko pa rin na ang bilis ng metro mo.
One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand, four-one thousand, five-one thousand…P 2.50! Repeat until fade.
VIC: Manong, ang bilis talaga ng metro mo. Lantaran na pandaraya ang ginagawa mo. Akala mo yayaman ka niyan? Naririnig mo ba ako? Helen Keller isdatchu?
In my frustration natanong ko siya talaga kung siya si Helen Keller. Kasi kung dededma-dedma lang siya eh dim as lalo ako dadada ng dadada hanggang maaburido siya saken. Kahit ugatin na leeg ko sa kakadada, keri. The whole ride, he was ignoring my complaint. In fairness, may control yata siya sa metro dahil pagnagrereklamo ako bumabagal ang patak pero pag akala niya eh hindi ko siya binabantayan, hayun akala mo may syphilis ang metro – as in tulo ng tulo.
We got into Makati and thankfully hindi ko pa siya napapatay at hindi pa rin niya ako tinulak palabas ng taxi niyang may STD. The cab fare was P 350.00 – which was what I was planning to pay him, or even more. But from previous experiences, Makati to Alabang would just be less than P 200.00. I gave him the exact fare and he had the decency to ask me what truly infuriated me.
MANONG DRIVER: Boss, sabi mo dadagdagan mo pa ang metro.
VIC: ABA ABA ABA! Manong, kanina pa ako putak ng putak dito tungkol sa metro mong may sira at hindi mo ako pinapansin tapos ngayon may mukha ka pang humingi ng tip?!? Ang daya mo na nga eh tapos ganyan ka pa??? Patingin nga ng lisensya mo at irereport kita sa LTFRB. Akala mo hindi ko pagtutuunan ng pansin itong ganitong pandaraya?!? Hyasmin Taxi ha. Humanda ka.
MANONG DRIVER: EH IKAW ANG NAGSABI DIYAN NA DADAGDAGAN MO METRO EH. Malay ko ba kung may daya tong metro eh hindi ko naman to taxi.
At this point I already forgot the expletives that I said. Ang naalala ko lang binato ko siya ng P 500 sa mukha and I screamed, “AYAN! TIGNAN MO KUNG YAYAMAN KA DIYAN!” I swear, at that point I wished na lumabas yung Gypsy lola dun sa “Drag Me to Hell” para bigyan siya ng lambda curse.
Good thing the security guard in my building interfered, “Sir Vic, ano po ang problema?” to which I just asid, “Hetong taxi driver na to holdaper eh!” Then I got out of the cab and hinampas ko pasara yung pinto hanggang may narinig akong parang nakalas. And then I heard the driver shout some words that could not be printed even by me. And I was in my finest barong garb! I just ran to my building kasi baka mamaya ibato saken yung pintong mukhang nakalas.
I was gonna report him to LTFRB and sa lahat ng mga TODA na alam ko pero tinamad na ako. Nag-facebook na lang ako sa office on a Saturday night – in my finest barong garb.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
29 is The New 21
I had a great vision. I saw myself throwing a party for…myself. It was supposed to be a big party to usher in my last 365 days of my twenties. I got one of the most unique venues – White Moon Bar in Ocean Park – na hindi pa masyado napupuntahan ng Makati crowd. I invited over 90 friends (60 of whom confirmed) to help me celebrate this milestone – ang aking birthday taun-taon milestone, walang pakialamanan. I even had a great cause behind my birthday. I planned to raise more than P 29,000.00 to be donated to Children’s Hour. It was to be directed to rehabilitate one public school library in Saranggani. Di ba ang bait?!? Humanitarian ang dating!
Then those two psychotic typhoons decided to rain on my parade. And boy, did they rain. All in all, halos P 10,000.00 ang nagastos ko sa aking pre-birthday party preparations dahil bukod pa ang birthday preparations sa pre-birthday preparations: new shoes, new outfits, two haircuts for both cancelled parties and manicures & pedicures. (ROGER, MY STYLIST: I would not want to see you until November! It’s not in tune with the architectural plan we have for your hair!) All these preparations and zero parties. Fuck you, Pepeng and Ondoy. You both suck.
Imagine, pupunta sa birthday party ko ang mga crushes ko tapos maka-cancel lang?!? I imagined pa naman Jon Yulo and I would be waltzing to “Moon River” as part of my 29 Roses. Fuck you, talaga, Ondoy. Mahipan ka sana ng hangin.
***
While I am prepared to sulk and get depressed because I had no party to honor myself and all the great things that make me great, I have yet to count my blessings. (Please spare me the usual Ondoy victims chenelyns. I wouldn’t feel guilty or anything kasi I work for their benefit and the benefit of 419,625 underprivileged children nationwide.) I normally do my Best of the Year at the end of the year – malamang – but I cannot help but still enumerate the little highlights of VIC.28. Why little? These are just the random things I remember that make me smile when I remember them. Sa end of the year pa ang muni-muni.
***
28 Things That Happened When I Was 28
Little Things to be Grateful For – In No Particular Order
1. Victor Platon, Bigotilyo. Hindi ko alam ano pumasok saken at nagpatubo ako ng bigote. I got the most polarizing reactions from “Ang gwapo mo! Mukha kang lalake!” to “Bernardo Bernardo, isdatchu?” But the most memorable comment came from Sean Ibuyan, 4 year old son of my friends Ben and Det, “Tito Victor, di ba you’re gay? Why do you have a moustache?”
2. Vic Tours Baseco. This was one of my immersions during my stint as a LGU employee. (Stint lasted exactly 20 days.) My eyes were opened to the harsh reality to the fact that some people cannot differentiate magenta from pink. Truly eye-opening
3. The Barge. Basically, sinakay ako ng friends kong si Ben and Det sa isa sa mga barges ng kanilang multicorporational achuchervanezz. Ang taray. I went to Isla Puting Bato in Navotas. Sounded like a resort, Isla Puting Bato, but the insertion of Navotas proved otherwise.
4. The Bembol Roco Effect. I shaved my head and got laid (with 4 different guys – woot!) because of it. Was it the hair or was it due to my intrinsic kalandian? We will never know. Sorry, Datu puti not included in list.
5. Tabu. Brings back memories of alcohol binges that were irresponsible (but fun!) and memories of introducing random friends to each other and they’re now some of my best friends. They are irresponsible (but fun!)
6. Ang Parada ng Skyflakes. Hindi ito little. Ang dami nila. Lahat sila may sayad. College student, blue-collar, call center agent, professor, NGO worker, businessman, model, anonymous. Lahat patol! Sa motel, sa condo, sa hotel, sa fire exit, sa kotseng nakaparada sa harap ng Grams sa Rockwell. Lahat patol! It was purely carnal. It was purely carnal. It was purely carnal…
7. Taiwanese Guy, Please Come. Back. Proof that even great and awesome people like me can get clin-jee. Portrait of Victor Platon as stalker ang dating. Bow.
8. The Kaladkarin Effect. Edsel Misenas. O Bar. 1:15 AM invite. Gay people. Gyrating. Alcohol. So. Much. Fun.
9. The Kaladkarin Effect, Part Two. Jigs Mayuga. 69 Bachelors in various states of undress. NBC Tent. Briefs. Abs. Crotches. So. Much. Fun.
10. Barcino. Proof that midweek alcohol binges are necessary to maintain sanity in the workplace.
11. Vic Joins Children’s Hour! May puso ako. Kahit malandi ako. Kahit maldita ako. Even if I was involved in sexual harassment back in high school. May puso ako. Yun yon.
12. Breadbox Dinners. Whether with Mara and friends or Tish and friends or Isa and friends, the food was memorable. RIP Tito Ariel and Adrian. Tears.
13. Zambales. Fun weekend wherein I saw Mic drunk for the first time. Met interesting people like Java Rice and Bar Code.
14. Ringside. The first is always the most memorable. I was surprised with the midget boxers and my favorite GRO ever – Rona! Pole dancing is great for the abs.
15. The House on Estrella Street. Barbecues are fun! The dirtiest pool ever is great! (Note to self: Plan barbecue at Adrian’s.)
16. Little Tokyo. One should always be grateful for good grub and great sake.
17. Franco Chan’s Gay Words. He has proven that even straight people can coin witty and useable gay terms. I loved the fact that he even called me out of nowhere just to tell me he thought of a new one: sophistiGAYted.
18. Ahihihi Text Messages. There’s this guy who sends me text messages that make me feel like a giggly little high school bitch. Seriously, it’s nothing sexual or anything – the messages are sweet things that sweep me off my feet even up to now.
19. Anong Trip Mo? Nothing beats 4 hours of being high on something while dancing continuously until your arms give up and your head spins like crazy. Who would have thought Kathy and Tish would now be close because of that crazy night in Visayas Avenue?
20. Jon Yulo Hugged Me. It was during Franco’s stage debut with Repertory and I got a hug! I got a hug! I got a hug!
21. The Lime Green Bedazzled Belt. So what if that girl got the boy? I got the belt. Thanks, Jiro Kakihara! Heart you!
22. Nat Balanza’s Insane FB Statuses and Rene Liboro’s Crazy Posts. Those two people are like drugs that make lazy afternoons in the office bearable.
23. Razzle Dazzle. Because I finally found the salon for me. I heart you Roger! Kabog sila sa magiging hair ko in December!
24. Martin Cervantes Day. One day with this friend-again of mine last December was memorable for so many reasons. It proved to me that I can survive one day with him without having to break his neck off. At present, he is in floating status but my ice is melting. I bet I’ll be friends with him again sooner than later.
25. In the Navy. 100 Sailors. 1 Victor Platon. No Hanky Panky. Hurrah!
26. Kat Estacio in Avilon Zoo. Road trip to Montalban, Rizal with nice kids. We toured them around UP Diliman and Ateneo soon thereafter not knowing this was now allowed. In short, it was kidnapping orphans.
27. Three New Shoes in a Month. Froth in the mouth.
28. FRIENDS. From the Powerpuffs to the Delilahs to Wednesday Group na naging Thursday Group na hindi ko na alam tawag ngayon to CSA Forever to Mara’s Group to The Gay Posse to Jiro Kakihara to Ateneo friends to the Met Thrus to Facebook friends to Masci 98s. I heart all my friends and I know they heart me too. The past 365 days were a mishmash of highs and lows. All thanks to you all.
***
Victor Platon will kick ass when he turns 30.
Then those two psychotic typhoons decided to rain on my parade. And boy, did they rain. All in all, halos P 10,000.00 ang nagastos ko sa aking pre-birthday party preparations dahil bukod pa ang birthday preparations sa pre-birthday preparations: new shoes, new outfits, two haircuts for both cancelled parties and manicures & pedicures. (ROGER, MY STYLIST: I would not want to see you until November! It’s not in tune with the architectural plan we have for your hair!) All these preparations and zero parties. Fuck you, Pepeng and Ondoy. You both suck.
Imagine, pupunta sa birthday party ko ang mga crushes ko tapos maka-cancel lang?!? I imagined pa naman Jon Yulo and I would be waltzing to “Moon River” as part of my 29 Roses. Fuck you, talaga, Ondoy. Mahipan ka sana ng hangin.
***
While I am prepared to sulk and get depressed because I had no party to honor myself and all the great things that make me great, I have yet to count my blessings. (Please spare me the usual Ondoy victims chenelyns. I wouldn’t feel guilty or anything kasi I work for their benefit and the benefit of 419,625 underprivileged children nationwide.) I normally do my Best of the Year at the end of the year – malamang – but I cannot help but still enumerate the little highlights of VIC.28. Why little? These are just the random things I remember that make me smile when I remember them. Sa end of the year pa ang muni-muni.
***
28 Things That Happened When I Was 28
Little Things to be Grateful For – In No Particular Order
1. Victor Platon, Bigotilyo. Hindi ko alam ano pumasok saken at nagpatubo ako ng bigote. I got the most polarizing reactions from “Ang gwapo mo! Mukha kang lalake!” to “Bernardo Bernardo, isdatchu?” But the most memorable comment came from Sean Ibuyan, 4 year old son of my friends Ben and Det, “Tito Victor, di ba you’re gay? Why do you have a moustache?”
2. Vic Tours Baseco. This was one of my immersions during my stint as a LGU employee. (Stint lasted exactly 20 days.) My eyes were opened to the harsh reality to the fact that some people cannot differentiate magenta from pink. Truly eye-opening
3. The Barge. Basically, sinakay ako ng friends kong si Ben and Det sa isa sa mga barges ng kanilang multicorporational achuchervanezz. Ang taray. I went to Isla Puting Bato in Navotas. Sounded like a resort, Isla Puting Bato, but the insertion of Navotas proved otherwise.
4. The Bembol Roco Effect. I shaved my head and got laid (with 4 different guys – woot!) because of it. Was it the hair or was it due to my intrinsic kalandian? We will never know. Sorry, Datu puti not included in list.
5. Tabu. Brings back memories of alcohol binges that were irresponsible (but fun!) and memories of introducing random friends to each other and they’re now some of my best friends. They are irresponsible (but fun!)
6. Ang Parada ng Skyflakes. Hindi ito little. Ang dami nila. Lahat sila may sayad. College student, blue-collar, call center agent, professor, NGO worker, businessman, model, anonymous. Lahat patol! Sa motel, sa condo, sa hotel, sa fire exit, sa kotseng nakaparada sa harap ng Grams sa Rockwell. Lahat patol! It was purely carnal. It was purely carnal. It was purely carnal…
7. Taiwanese Guy, Please Come. Back. Proof that even great and awesome people like me can get clin-jee. Portrait of Victor Platon as stalker ang dating. Bow.
8. The Kaladkarin Effect. Edsel Misenas. O Bar. 1:15 AM invite. Gay people. Gyrating. Alcohol. So. Much. Fun.
9. The Kaladkarin Effect, Part Two. Jigs Mayuga. 69 Bachelors in various states of undress. NBC Tent. Briefs. Abs. Crotches. So. Much. Fun.
10. Barcino. Proof that midweek alcohol binges are necessary to maintain sanity in the workplace.
11. Vic Joins Children’s Hour! May puso ako. Kahit malandi ako. Kahit maldita ako. Even if I was involved in sexual harassment back in high school. May puso ako. Yun yon.
12. Breadbox Dinners. Whether with Mara and friends or Tish and friends or Isa and friends, the food was memorable. RIP Tito Ariel and Adrian. Tears.
13. Zambales. Fun weekend wherein I saw Mic drunk for the first time. Met interesting people like Java Rice and Bar Code.
14. Ringside. The first is always the most memorable. I was surprised with the midget boxers and my favorite GRO ever – Rona! Pole dancing is great for the abs.
15. The House on Estrella Street. Barbecues are fun! The dirtiest pool ever is great! (Note to self: Plan barbecue at Adrian’s.)
16. Little Tokyo. One should always be grateful for good grub and great sake.
17. Franco Chan’s Gay Words. He has proven that even straight people can coin witty and useable gay terms. I loved the fact that he even called me out of nowhere just to tell me he thought of a new one: sophistiGAYted.
18. Ahihihi Text Messages. There’s this guy who sends me text messages that make me feel like a giggly little high school bitch. Seriously, it’s nothing sexual or anything – the messages are sweet things that sweep me off my feet even up to now.
19. Anong Trip Mo? Nothing beats 4 hours of being high on something while dancing continuously until your arms give up and your head spins like crazy. Who would have thought Kathy and Tish would now be close because of that crazy night in Visayas Avenue?
20. Jon Yulo Hugged Me. It was during Franco’s stage debut with Repertory and I got a hug! I got a hug! I got a hug!
21. The Lime Green Bedazzled Belt. So what if that girl got the boy? I got the belt. Thanks, Jiro Kakihara! Heart you!
22. Nat Balanza’s Insane FB Statuses and Rene Liboro’s Crazy Posts. Those two people are like drugs that make lazy afternoons in the office bearable.
23. Razzle Dazzle. Because I finally found the salon for me. I heart you Roger! Kabog sila sa magiging hair ko in December!
24. Martin Cervantes Day. One day with this friend-again of mine last December was memorable for so many reasons. It proved to me that I can survive one day with him without having to break his neck off. At present, he is in floating status but my ice is melting. I bet I’ll be friends with him again sooner than later.
25. In the Navy. 100 Sailors. 1 Victor Platon. No Hanky Panky. Hurrah!
26. Kat Estacio in Avilon Zoo. Road trip to Montalban, Rizal with nice kids. We toured them around UP Diliman and Ateneo soon thereafter not knowing this was now allowed. In short, it was kidnapping orphans.
27. Three New Shoes in a Month. Froth in the mouth.
28. FRIENDS. From the Powerpuffs to the Delilahs to Wednesday Group na naging Thursday Group na hindi ko na alam tawag ngayon to CSA Forever to Mara’s Group to The Gay Posse to Jiro Kakihara to Ateneo friends to the Met Thrus to Facebook friends to Masci 98s. I heart all my friends and I know they heart me too. The past 365 days were a mishmash of highs and lows. All thanks to you all.
***
Victor Platon will kick ass when he turns 30.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Isa, Dalawa, Tatlo
Ask any guy what their ultimate sexual fantasy is and chances are he (or she kung feeling niya eh meron din siyang Typhoon Pepeng) would answer threesome. I asked my friends why so and they just said that the mere idea is tantalizing in itself. They can go on and on about the merits and beauty of doing it with two people. As in kailangan ng busal para lang manahimik sila sa kakadada about threesome. I asked them if they have indulged this fantasy and they quickly change the topic.
Because I am technically a guy – and I have no delusions of being a gurl, I guess a threesome is also one of my top sexual fantasies. (Top fantasy as of last Friday is Anderson Cooper.) Pag lalake nag-uusap about threesomes, it’s always some skanky harlot like Megan Fox or whoever else is the Babe of the Month sa mga walang kwentang pelikula who’s involved. Pag babae naman ang tanungin, there would be girls who’d prefer two girls and one guy. Others think they can handle two guys – good luck maghanap ng Devil’s Threesome. (I think guys don’t like their balls brushing against other guys’ balls.) Pero pag bakla ang nag-uusap about threesome, it would always be very interesting conversation.
VIC: Ultimate threesome. GOW!
GAY FRIEND: Ooooh, I like! Sige ikaw muna, GOW!
VIC: Friend, ako nagtanong. Bilis sagutin mo na, sino ba partners gusto mo. GOW!
GAY FRIEND: Friend, anong category muna? Boybands? Silver foxes? Matinee idols? BCCs? Ano na? GOW!
VIC: Ay, I like. May categories! What is Jeopardy? Ang landeh! Ang daming choices! Ikaw sino ba choices mo per category? GOW!
Basically, paikot-ikot na “GOW!” ang mangyayari and the end result will be we’d both agree that we’d like to have sex with Justin Timberlake and Johnny Depp.
***
An Indecent Proposal
Not Once But Twice…
My Skyflakes phase had a revival of sorts first week of September. Just when I thought I was quitting the casual chorvahan game, I got an invitation I could not refuse. Gabby is one of my Skyflakes last summer and, to be honest, I’d just rate him average at best. His only saving grace is kahawig niya si Joem Bascon. (Google Joem Basom, now na.)
Since he’s just average at best, eh hindi naman ako masyado obligated to keep him in my loop of Skyflakes. (Too bad si Taiwanese Guy eh inichapwera ako. That’s another blog though.) Nagulantang lang ang aking molars sa kanyang invitation via text message.
GABBY: Hey Vic, let’s up the ante next time we meet?
VIC: Expound…
May disinterest factor mixed with nonchalance. I mean, he’s very average lang. Plus, upping the ante for me has a totally new meaning what with Dirty Ice Cream a few months back – as in bondage ang trip. Anyeye.
GABBY: Would you be interested in a threesome?
Sabay lunok. No pun intended. Would I be interested in crossing out one of my top fantasies? If so, does this mean that my fantasy of having animal sex with Dennis Trillo can still come to pass???
VIC: I don’t mind. Let me know when and where. Schedule permitting, I’ll be there.
Wala lang. Para lang siyang business meeting. Ang agang birthday gift.
***
Heto Na… Heto Na… Heto Na…
Ay, Yun Na Yun?
Fantasy crossed out. Actual enjoyment… keri lang. Can I just say that I actually had better? It’s not that the fantasy realized bit was underwhelming, but I guess all the hoopla was just that – hoopla.
For starters, ang dinala ni Gabby eh isang bottom din. May ichu ang hitad I must admit but he’s a bottom. I’m technically bottom too. Gabby is the only top. Gay Equation of the Kinky Kind: 2B + 1T = Vic as Best Supporting Actor. Yeyz, hindi ako ang bida. It’s not that it’s frustrating because there are some functions that Gabby’s friend and I did to each other except for the actual chorvahan bit. Si Gabby lang ang chumorva sa aming dalawa. Eh madamot pa naman ako. And competitive.
Yes, Victor Platon is competitive. Since the equation had 2 Bs and only one T, the 2 Bs eh nagpapastar-an. Supporting Actor na nga lang ako eh di might as well be the best supporting that I can be. The Friend and I were trying to see who can make Gabby moan better. (I know, visuals.) It’s the gay mini-Olympics with categories like tonsil hockey, tongue bath, deep throats and ambidextrous hands galore. Thankfully, I didn’t get 2nd place based on the unanimous decision of both Gabby’s left and right eye na mega-tirik.
But after the 90 minute Gaylympics, I ended up with just the silver medal since Gabby was the one who went home happiest. As for his friend, he can go home and lick his wounds and practice licking something else. After the Gaylympics, I went home and pondered: was it worth it to expose myself to such…hedonism? I guess.
***
Being the master of self-promotion that I am, I did a press tour with my friends and made kwento galore about my latest misadventure. Some of my friends were surprised that hindi pa pala ako nakapag-threesome. (VIC: Haller, I’m still Prude McPrude kahit papaano.) Pero having said all there is to be said, I am still not overwhelmed with the experience. (ANNE: Siguro mali lang yung nakapartner mo.) This comment coming from a girl who’s been in a threesome as a spectator.
Anyway, that was a Friday night. My press tour was the weekend. By Sunday lunch time, I had the most scandalous (for me at least) text invite ever – again, from Gabby.
GABBY: Hey Vic, so how do you feel about being f*cked by 4 tops?
Without batting an eyelash and nonchalance drama, I replied back, “No thanks.” Una sa lahat, never ko naging fantasy ma-gang rape. Kahit na Backstreet Boys pa ang mangre-rape, hindi ko naman kaya sabay-sabay. Ano ko poso? As in pinipiliahan? Saka wala akong balak ma-Carmela Vizconde. Parang karneng karne na ang dating ko nun. Dun ako ma-ooverwhelm.
I can say loads and loads of things about why I should get involved in an orgy involving a new equation: 4T + V = MMC. As in Makati Medical Center. Ang pangit ng arrive. I therefore conclude may moralidad pang natitira sa aking katauhan. Bow.
Because I am technically a guy – and I have no delusions of being a gurl, I guess a threesome is also one of my top sexual fantasies. (Top fantasy as of last Friday is Anderson Cooper.) Pag lalake nag-uusap about threesomes, it’s always some skanky harlot like Megan Fox or whoever else is the Babe of the Month sa mga walang kwentang pelikula who’s involved. Pag babae naman ang tanungin, there would be girls who’d prefer two girls and one guy. Others think they can handle two guys – good luck maghanap ng Devil’s Threesome. (I think guys don’t like their balls brushing against other guys’ balls.) Pero pag bakla ang nag-uusap about threesome, it would always be very interesting conversation.
VIC: Ultimate threesome. GOW!
GAY FRIEND: Ooooh, I like! Sige ikaw muna, GOW!
VIC: Friend, ako nagtanong. Bilis sagutin mo na, sino ba partners gusto mo. GOW!
GAY FRIEND: Friend, anong category muna? Boybands? Silver foxes? Matinee idols? BCCs? Ano na? GOW!
VIC: Ay, I like. May categories! What is Jeopardy? Ang landeh! Ang daming choices! Ikaw sino ba choices mo per category? GOW!
Basically, paikot-ikot na “GOW!” ang mangyayari and the end result will be we’d both agree that we’d like to have sex with Justin Timberlake and Johnny Depp.
***
An Indecent Proposal
Not Once But Twice…
My Skyflakes phase had a revival of sorts first week of September. Just when I thought I was quitting the casual chorvahan game, I got an invitation I could not refuse. Gabby is one of my Skyflakes last summer and, to be honest, I’d just rate him average at best. His only saving grace is kahawig niya si Joem Bascon. (Google Joem Basom, now na.)
Since he’s just average at best, eh hindi naman ako masyado obligated to keep him in my loop of Skyflakes. (Too bad si Taiwanese Guy eh inichapwera ako. That’s another blog though.) Nagulantang lang ang aking molars sa kanyang invitation via text message.
GABBY: Hey Vic, let’s up the ante next time we meet?
VIC: Expound…
May disinterest factor mixed with nonchalance. I mean, he’s very average lang. Plus, upping the ante for me has a totally new meaning what with Dirty Ice Cream a few months back – as in bondage ang trip. Anyeye.
GABBY: Would you be interested in a threesome?
Sabay lunok. No pun intended. Would I be interested in crossing out one of my top fantasies? If so, does this mean that my fantasy of having animal sex with Dennis Trillo can still come to pass???
VIC: I don’t mind. Let me know when and where. Schedule permitting, I’ll be there.
Wala lang. Para lang siyang business meeting. Ang agang birthday gift.
***
Heto Na… Heto Na… Heto Na…
Ay, Yun Na Yun?
Fantasy crossed out. Actual enjoyment… keri lang. Can I just say that I actually had better? It’s not that the fantasy realized bit was underwhelming, but I guess all the hoopla was just that – hoopla.
For starters, ang dinala ni Gabby eh isang bottom din. May ichu ang hitad I must admit but he’s a bottom. I’m technically bottom too. Gabby is the only top. Gay Equation of the Kinky Kind: 2B + 1T = Vic as Best Supporting Actor. Yeyz, hindi ako ang bida. It’s not that it’s frustrating because there are some functions that Gabby’s friend and I did to each other except for the actual chorvahan bit. Si Gabby lang ang chumorva sa aming dalawa. Eh madamot pa naman ako. And competitive.
Yes, Victor Platon is competitive. Since the equation had 2 Bs and only one T, the 2 Bs eh nagpapastar-an. Supporting Actor na nga lang ako eh di might as well be the best supporting that I can be. The Friend and I were trying to see who can make Gabby moan better. (I know, visuals.) It’s the gay mini-Olympics with categories like tonsil hockey, tongue bath, deep throats and ambidextrous hands galore. Thankfully, I didn’t get 2nd place based on the unanimous decision of both Gabby’s left and right eye na mega-tirik.
But after the 90 minute Gaylympics, I ended up with just the silver medal since Gabby was the one who went home happiest. As for his friend, he can go home and lick his wounds and practice licking something else. After the Gaylympics, I went home and pondered: was it worth it to expose myself to such…hedonism? I guess.
***
Being the master of self-promotion that I am, I did a press tour with my friends and made kwento galore about my latest misadventure. Some of my friends were surprised that hindi pa pala ako nakapag-threesome. (VIC: Haller, I’m still Prude McPrude kahit papaano.) Pero having said all there is to be said, I am still not overwhelmed with the experience. (ANNE: Siguro mali lang yung nakapartner mo.) This comment coming from a girl who’s been in a threesome as a spectator.
Anyway, that was a Friday night. My press tour was the weekend. By Sunday lunch time, I had the most scandalous (for me at least) text invite ever – again, from Gabby.
GABBY: Hey Vic, so how do you feel about being f*cked by 4 tops?
Without batting an eyelash and nonchalance drama, I replied back, “No thanks.” Una sa lahat, never ko naging fantasy ma-gang rape. Kahit na Backstreet Boys pa ang mangre-rape, hindi ko naman kaya sabay-sabay. Ano ko poso? As in pinipiliahan? Saka wala akong balak ma-Carmela Vizconde. Parang karneng karne na ang dating ko nun. Dun ako ma-ooverwhelm.
I can say loads and loads of things about why I should get involved in an orgy involving a new equation: 4T + V = MMC. As in Makati Medical Center. Ang pangit ng arrive. I therefore conclude may moralidad pang natitira sa aking katauhan. Bow.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
(900) Days of Jiro
To know Jiro Kakihara is to love him. You are about to know Jiro Kakihara. Well, sort of.
***
I heard that there are other people out there like me – those who were born blessed with beauty, peppered with wisdom and oozing with charisma and magnetism. I always thought this was an urban legend, like the lady in Balete Drive or the snake in Robinson’s dressing rooms. Imagine, I was living my life with the assurance that I will be the most beautiful person (inside and out) in any room I walk into – then I met Jiro Kakihara.
I met him approximately 900 days ago. Thus far, those days have been filled with laughter, joy, heartbreak, long talks about insane things, alcohol binges which leave us (okay, mostly me) intoxicated, silliness and friendship. 900 days.
This is a story of 900 days between two boys. It’s a boy-meets-boy story. It’s a boy-loses-boy story. It’s a boy-wins-boy-back-thru-lime-green-belt story. But a love story, this ain’t. This is a story about love. Well, sort of.
***
Day (1) of Jiro Kakihara:
An Unstoppable Force Meets an Immovable Object
It was the summer of 2007 when I first met Jiro Kakihara. I was cheering on my school’s MBA team as they defeated De La Salle’s MBA basketball team. Okay ‘defeated’ is an understatement – ‘crushed’ is more apt. After the game, I told my friend Jamie Lihan that I wanted to have my picture taken with the Japanese player from DLSU. Since I’m shy in real life, I needed some encouragement from my friends. (VIC: Nakakahiya! Baka sikuhin niya ko bigla. Baka kasi homophobic yung Hapon na yun...)
Kahit na sobrang nahihiya akong lumapit sa kanya at magpapicture, kinapalan ko na lang ang mukha ko at inisip ko na lang, “Hindi ko na naman siya makikita ever, so whynat?!?” To my surprise, he wasn’t weirded out – unlike his pygmy friend, Joden – but he let out this laughter, what would be his trademark guffaw. (JIRO: Bwahahahahahaha!) Yung tunog nung tawa niya ay parang tunog ng lalakeng dinidilaan ng sampung libong babae. (10,000 GIRLS: Beh!)
He invited me and my friends to join him and his teammates in Eastwood. Kahit na ang home turf naming ay Rockwell, I pleaded to my friends to just have lunch in Eastwood – all in the name of tiis-landi. I had a few more snapshots with Jiro (and that pygmy, Joden). I went home that night with a smile on my face and a newfound sense of urgency in my heart – the urgency of doing extensive research about Jiro Gonzales Kakihara, (b. Sept. 5, 1981.)
***
Day (880) of Jiro Kakihara:
The Heartbreak Kid
JIRO: Friendship, I’m in Distillery already. She’s here with me. I’ll introduce you to her. I’m sure you’d like her.
I dreaded this day. I dreaded the day when Jiro will introduce me to his girlfriend. A few days prior, he told me that he already has a girlfriend. (JIRO: It’s been ten years, Friendship. I miss the feeling. Ang sarap pala may girlfriend ulit. Ahihihihi...) I feigned delight and happiness for him. I texted him the words “I’m so thrilled for you, I really am!!! Congratulations!!!” with my phone in my right hand and a box of Dora Rat Killer in my left. I was prepared to swallow the rat pellets but he told me, “Pakilala kita. Magkakasundo kayo.”
VIC (to self): Friendship, if it is your goal to cut my heart open with a rusty dagger then boil it in my own tears then…BULL’S EYE! Ang sakit-sakit… Ubo, ubo, ubo…
It broke my heart (sort of, kasi ang alam niya joke-joke lang pero of course every joke is half meant) that he has a girlfriend. But I knew that it is inevitable, this Day of Infamy. Para akong Pearl Harbor na binomba ng Hapon – di ba historical ang analogy, matalino ako eh. But it sure is an easier blow kesa naman boyfriend ang ipakilala niya sa akin. (JIRO: Never gonna happen, Friendship. Pero if ever I were gay, I will surely go out with you. Ikaw lang.) So dapat ba akong ma-touch sa obvious na pambobolang ito??? In a word, yes.
***
Day (883) of Jiro Kakihara:
The Trouble With Love Is
JIRO: Friendship, di mo pa pala nakukwento sa akin yung shocking stories mo about last Saturday.
I was sitting in the dentist’s chair having my teeth filled. Normally, I would have replied to him in an instant but my circumstance prevented me from doing so. At saka hindi ako natutuwa na maganda ang napili niyang girlfriend. Mas tanggap ko kung pangit at pangit ugali para naman may karapatan akong manglait. But his girlfriend – wala akong malait eh. Lecheng babae yun. (JIRO: Hello, eh ang guwapo ko naman para mapunta lang sa panget noh! Saka ten years in the making ito so dapat worth it naman ang pagsasakripisyo ko sa aking virginity!)
I replied to him when my dental appointment was over. It took me about two hours to reply actually. Paano ba naman eh nagsuka-suka ako kung saang damuhan nung Sabadong iyun eh feeling nitong kaibigan kong ito eh maaalala ko pa in verbatim ang mga nangyari. I gave him a gist of what the gist was about. He replied with a laugh, a guffaw – yung tunog na naman nung malanding lalakeng dinidilaan ng sampung libong babae.
JIRO: Bwahahahahaha! Ang galing mo talaga, Friendship! That’s what I kept telling her also when she would have doubts.
VICTOR (phantom reply): Parang niluluray mo ang kaluluwa ko, Friendship! Parang binalatan mo ako ng buhay at nilublob sa merthiolate tapos sinawsaw sa Betadine. Parang dinukot mo mga mata ko at pinukpok ng iyong pointy shoes. Parang tinali mo sa harapan ko ang hubo’t hubad na si Piolo Pascual at sinabi mong, “Just look, no touch.”
VICTOR (actual reply): And that is why I am your best gay friend ever, by choice. And that is why I will not be put out of the picture. And that is why you give me things like the lime green belt not as payments but as gifts. And that is why you love me, you really, really love me.
JIRO: I absolutely concur.
He absolutely concurs. And with that, nawala na ang hapdi. Nawala na ang kirot. Maganda talaga yun lime green belt.
***
How can you hate a Jiro Kakihara? Sure, I had delusions of grandeur for the first month of our friendship that he might, MIGHT, be gay. I did a thorough research as if my Strama Paper was entitled “Jiro Kakihara: Metro or Homo? Ano Ba Talaga, Kuya?” To my disappointment (or relief) he was not gay. Should I hate him for disappointing me that he is not gay and he is actually Sex on Legs?
How can you hate a Jiro Kakihara? My ex-boyfriend and I had a rough patch (which led to a breakup and then another and then another) because of Jiro. My ex-boyfriend had issues with my closeness to this guy whom every guy, gay or straight, should be threatened with. Case in point: Jiro and I faced a class action lawsuit from ugly people the world over for being our awesome selves. (JIRO and VIC: Hindi naman naming kasalanan kung mga panget kayo! We don’t hate you! In fact, we need you! Kung walang mga panget na kagaya ninyo, hindi kami magiging ganito ka-awesome.)
How can you hate a Jiro Kakihara? How can you hate someone who is a thoughtful, generous, kind, warm, funny, sexy, witty, wise, joyful, caring, endearing, sympathetic, intelligent, gorgeous, statuesque, talented, humble, inspiring, aspirational and dedicated person like me? If you can’t, then you also could not hate Jiro Kakihara. We are of the same mold.
***
Why I Hate Jiro Kakihara:
Matrix # 14344-5254
Victor John Platon Jiro Kakihara
MBA (Woot Woot!) MBA-JD (Woot Woot Woot!!!)
1/4 Igorot Half-Japanese
He Can Stop Traffic Has His Own Gravitational Pull
X Number of Guys Madaming-madaming Girls. Andame!
Luke Skywalker Yoda
Trendy Trendsetter
God’s Gift to Gay People God’s Gift to Mankind
Haba ng Heyr: Kulot Haba ng Heyr: Rebonded
Asian Sensation Demigod
The Life of the Party It’s Always HIS Party
***
I always tell people that no one is more surprised than me that our friendship flourished. I always thought it would be a one-shot deal. (JIRO: How can it not flourish eh talagang sinisiksik mo sarili mo sa buhay ko??? Para kang libag sa ilalim ng boobs.) Since Day One, he has been nothing but nice to me. In fact, nice is not the right adjective because nice is only meant for people who are bland, like vanilla ice cream. Jiro Kakihara is 32 flavors and then some.
A straight-gay friendship is commonplace nowadays. Think Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby. I am truly blessed that my best half-Japanese friend (by default and who already has a girlfriend which broke my heart) is one who does not look at one’s economic status or one’s sexual orientation for one to be his friend, or best gay friend by choice ever. If so, then wala na akong pag-asa. I am truly blessed that Jiro Kakihara is a friend.
One could say that we were destined to be partners. We’re like George Clooney and Brad Pitt. We’re like B1 and B2. We’re like Starsky and Hutch. We’re like Oprah and Gayle King. We’re like Bonnie and Clyde, Beyonce and Jay-Z. We’re like Guy and Pip. We’re like Kuya Germs and Ike Lozada. We’re like Megan Fox’s left and right breasts. We’re like the Reycards Duet. We’re meant to be partners in crime. Most partnerships end at one point in time or another; but I am not scared nor threatened because he assured me that I need not be. How can you hate a Jiro Kakihara then?
***
He can say something clever. (JIRO: When the perfect comes, the partial will fade.) He can say something sweet. (JIRO: You’re my best gay friend ever...by choice.) He can say something flattering. (JIRO: Hello, Manila Science ka kaya, just the number 2 high school in the Philippines.) He can say something funny. (JIRO: PH 3,000 ang dinner mo??? Ano ba kinain mo? Dinosaur???) He can say something hurtful. (JIRO: I have a girlfriend already, Friendship!) He can say something redemptive. (JIRO: I have some gifts for you from Japan!) He can say something critical. (JIRO: Friendship, never wear sunglasses as headband especially at night. Ang pangit lang.) He can say something inspiring. (JIRO: We are both substance and style.) He can say anything and it would not change the fact that he is and forever will be my best half-Japanese friend, not by default, but by destiny.
***
Happy Birthday, Jiro Kakihara.
***
I heard that there are other people out there like me – those who were born blessed with beauty, peppered with wisdom and oozing with charisma and magnetism. I always thought this was an urban legend, like the lady in Balete Drive or the snake in Robinson’s dressing rooms. Imagine, I was living my life with the assurance that I will be the most beautiful person (inside and out) in any room I walk into – then I met Jiro Kakihara.
I met him approximately 900 days ago. Thus far, those days have been filled with laughter, joy, heartbreak, long talks about insane things, alcohol binges which leave us (okay, mostly me) intoxicated, silliness and friendship. 900 days.
This is a story of 900 days between two boys. It’s a boy-meets-boy story. It’s a boy-loses-boy story. It’s a boy-wins-boy-back-thru-lime-green-belt story. But a love story, this ain’t. This is a story about love. Well, sort of.
***
Day (1) of Jiro Kakihara:
An Unstoppable Force Meets an Immovable Object
It was the summer of 2007 when I first met Jiro Kakihara. I was cheering on my school’s MBA team as they defeated De La Salle’s MBA basketball team. Okay ‘defeated’ is an understatement – ‘crushed’ is more apt. After the game, I told my friend Jamie Lihan that I wanted to have my picture taken with the Japanese player from DLSU. Since I’m shy in real life, I needed some encouragement from my friends. (VIC: Nakakahiya! Baka sikuhin niya ko bigla. Baka kasi homophobic yung Hapon na yun...)
Kahit na sobrang nahihiya akong lumapit sa kanya at magpapicture, kinapalan ko na lang ang mukha ko at inisip ko na lang, “Hindi ko na naman siya makikita ever, so whynat?!?” To my surprise, he wasn’t weirded out – unlike his pygmy friend, Joden – but he let out this laughter, what would be his trademark guffaw. (JIRO: Bwahahahahahaha!) Yung tunog nung tawa niya ay parang tunog ng lalakeng dinidilaan ng sampung libong babae. (10,000 GIRLS: Beh!)
He invited me and my friends to join him and his teammates in Eastwood. Kahit na ang home turf naming ay Rockwell, I pleaded to my friends to just have lunch in Eastwood – all in the name of tiis-landi. I had a few more snapshots with Jiro (and that pygmy, Joden). I went home that night with a smile on my face and a newfound sense of urgency in my heart – the urgency of doing extensive research about Jiro Gonzales Kakihara, (b. Sept. 5, 1981.)
***
Day (880) of Jiro Kakihara:
The Heartbreak Kid
JIRO: Friendship, I’m in Distillery already. She’s here with me. I’ll introduce you to her. I’m sure you’d like her.
I dreaded this day. I dreaded the day when Jiro will introduce me to his girlfriend. A few days prior, he told me that he already has a girlfriend. (JIRO: It’s been ten years, Friendship. I miss the feeling. Ang sarap pala may girlfriend ulit. Ahihihihi...) I feigned delight and happiness for him. I texted him the words “I’m so thrilled for you, I really am!!! Congratulations!!!” with my phone in my right hand and a box of Dora Rat Killer in my left. I was prepared to swallow the rat pellets but he told me, “Pakilala kita. Magkakasundo kayo.”
VIC (to self): Friendship, if it is your goal to cut my heart open with a rusty dagger then boil it in my own tears then…BULL’S EYE! Ang sakit-sakit… Ubo, ubo, ubo…
It broke my heart (sort of, kasi ang alam niya joke-joke lang pero of course every joke is half meant) that he has a girlfriend. But I knew that it is inevitable, this Day of Infamy. Para akong Pearl Harbor na binomba ng Hapon – di ba historical ang analogy, matalino ako eh. But it sure is an easier blow kesa naman boyfriend ang ipakilala niya sa akin. (JIRO: Never gonna happen, Friendship. Pero if ever I were gay, I will surely go out with you. Ikaw lang.) So dapat ba akong ma-touch sa obvious na pambobolang ito??? In a word, yes.
***
Day (883) of Jiro Kakihara:
The Trouble With Love Is
JIRO: Friendship, di mo pa pala nakukwento sa akin yung shocking stories mo about last Saturday.
I was sitting in the dentist’s chair having my teeth filled. Normally, I would have replied to him in an instant but my circumstance prevented me from doing so. At saka hindi ako natutuwa na maganda ang napili niyang girlfriend. Mas tanggap ko kung pangit at pangit ugali para naman may karapatan akong manglait. But his girlfriend – wala akong malait eh. Lecheng babae yun. (JIRO: Hello, eh ang guwapo ko naman para mapunta lang sa panget noh! Saka ten years in the making ito so dapat worth it naman ang pagsasakripisyo ko sa aking virginity!)
I replied to him when my dental appointment was over. It took me about two hours to reply actually. Paano ba naman eh nagsuka-suka ako kung saang damuhan nung Sabadong iyun eh feeling nitong kaibigan kong ito eh maaalala ko pa in verbatim ang mga nangyari. I gave him a gist of what the gist was about. He replied with a laugh, a guffaw – yung tunog na naman nung malanding lalakeng dinidilaan ng sampung libong babae.
JIRO: Bwahahahahaha! Ang galing mo talaga, Friendship! That’s what I kept telling her also when she would have doubts.
VICTOR (phantom reply): Parang niluluray mo ang kaluluwa ko, Friendship! Parang binalatan mo ako ng buhay at nilublob sa merthiolate tapos sinawsaw sa Betadine. Parang dinukot mo mga mata ko at pinukpok ng iyong pointy shoes. Parang tinali mo sa harapan ko ang hubo’t hubad na si Piolo Pascual at sinabi mong, “Just look, no touch.”
VICTOR (actual reply): And that is why I am your best gay friend ever, by choice. And that is why I will not be put out of the picture. And that is why you give me things like the lime green belt not as payments but as gifts. And that is why you love me, you really, really love me.
JIRO: I absolutely concur.
He absolutely concurs. And with that, nawala na ang hapdi. Nawala na ang kirot. Maganda talaga yun lime green belt.
***
How can you hate a Jiro Kakihara? Sure, I had delusions of grandeur for the first month of our friendship that he might, MIGHT, be gay. I did a thorough research as if my Strama Paper was entitled “Jiro Kakihara: Metro or Homo? Ano Ba Talaga, Kuya?” To my disappointment (or relief) he was not gay. Should I hate him for disappointing me that he is not gay and he is actually Sex on Legs?
How can you hate a Jiro Kakihara? My ex-boyfriend and I had a rough patch (which led to a breakup and then another and then another) because of Jiro. My ex-boyfriend had issues with my closeness to this guy whom every guy, gay or straight, should be threatened with. Case in point: Jiro and I faced a class action lawsuit from ugly people the world over for being our awesome selves. (JIRO and VIC: Hindi naman naming kasalanan kung mga panget kayo! We don’t hate you! In fact, we need you! Kung walang mga panget na kagaya ninyo, hindi kami magiging ganito ka-awesome.)
How can you hate a Jiro Kakihara? How can you hate someone who is a thoughtful, generous, kind, warm, funny, sexy, witty, wise, joyful, caring, endearing, sympathetic, intelligent, gorgeous, statuesque, talented, humble, inspiring, aspirational and dedicated person like me? If you can’t, then you also could not hate Jiro Kakihara. We are of the same mold.
***
Why I Hate Jiro Kakihara:
Matrix # 14344-5254
Victor John Platon Jiro Kakihara
MBA (Woot Woot!) MBA-JD (Woot Woot Woot!!!)
1/4 Igorot Half-Japanese
He Can Stop Traffic Has His Own Gravitational Pull
X Number of Guys Madaming-madaming Girls. Andame!
Luke Skywalker Yoda
Trendy Trendsetter
God’s Gift to Gay People God’s Gift to Mankind
Haba ng Heyr: Kulot Haba ng Heyr: Rebonded
Asian Sensation Demigod
The Life of the Party It’s Always HIS Party
***
I always tell people that no one is more surprised than me that our friendship flourished. I always thought it would be a one-shot deal. (JIRO: How can it not flourish eh talagang sinisiksik mo sarili mo sa buhay ko??? Para kang libag sa ilalim ng boobs.) Since Day One, he has been nothing but nice to me. In fact, nice is not the right adjective because nice is only meant for people who are bland, like vanilla ice cream. Jiro Kakihara is 32 flavors and then some.
A straight-gay friendship is commonplace nowadays. Think Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby. I am truly blessed that my best half-Japanese friend (by default and who already has a girlfriend which broke my heart) is one who does not look at one’s economic status or one’s sexual orientation for one to be his friend, or best gay friend by choice ever. If so, then wala na akong pag-asa. I am truly blessed that Jiro Kakihara is a friend.
One could say that we were destined to be partners. We’re like George Clooney and Brad Pitt. We’re like B1 and B2. We’re like Starsky and Hutch. We’re like Oprah and Gayle King. We’re like Bonnie and Clyde, Beyonce and Jay-Z. We’re like Guy and Pip. We’re like Kuya Germs and Ike Lozada. We’re like Megan Fox’s left and right breasts. We’re like the Reycards Duet. We’re meant to be partners in crime. Most partnerships end at one point in time or another; but I am not scared nor threatened because he assured me that I need not be. How can you hate a Jiro Kakihara then?
***
He can say something clever. (JIRO: When the perfect comes, the partial will fade.) He can say something sweet. (JIRO: You’re my best gay friend ever...by choice.) He can say something flattering. (JIRO: Hello, Manila Science ka kaya, just the number 2 high school in the Philippines.) He can say something funny. (JIRO: PH 3,000 ang dinner mo??? Ano ba kinain mo? Dinosaur???) He can say something hurtful. (JIRO: I have a girlfriend already, Friendship!) He can say something redemptive. (JIRO: I have some gifts for you from Japan!) He can say something critical. (JIRO: Friendship, never wear sunglasses as headband especially at night. Ang pangit lang.) He can say something inspiring. (JIRO: We are both substance and style.) He can say anything and it would not change the fact that he is and forever will be my best half-Japanese friend, not by default, but by destiny.
***
Happy Birthday, Jiro Kakihara.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Ice Creams, Cocks and Feminine Washes
Last week, my colleague informed me that I was to attend a marketing seminar in Mandarin Oriental. I was surprised since I am not the marketing person at work (although I’ve been doing majority of the marketing concepts we’re now using). Either way, I agreed to go since the organizers gave us free seats. The speakers were the Young Market Masters Awardees this year. I did not know such an award exists. Pero libre siya, so GOW. What more, feeling ko matutuwa naman kung sino yung nag-eemail sa akin araw-araw ng invitations to these seminars kasi aattend na ako sa wakas. (Synergizing the Workplace: Unleashing Your Inner Churva!)
I was sceptical at first because when I got the primer, I saw that the speakers were made to pose like successful power bitches with rehearsed heart warming smiles that seem to ask people to think, “Wow, they’re successful and smart and sassy...but nice.” Sadly, the only word that came to my mind was ‘Meh.’
I got into The Mandarin and registered. I scanned the vicinity for some Afternoon Eye Candy. I noticed that the ushers were gay-ish. I looked down at their shoes. Pointy black shoes with an extra luster, as if pinahiran ng lip gloss, or pag Purita Magbanua ang badidang, petroleum jelly. These ushers weren’t gay-ish. They’re confeermed Vak. Confeermed kung confeermed. Being the cordial gay person that I am, I complimented the two Vaks for their shoes.
VIC: I like your shoes. They’re very nice.
Of course they both said thanks. And being the haughty gay people that they probably are, they also looked at my shoes, as if to compare. Sorry na lang sila kasi ang sapatos ko eh mas pointy sa sapatos nila at ang kulay eh hindi ho-hum black. Mine were dirty tan with such a severely engineered structure which required me two weeks to break-in. The two gay ushers (or are they usheretitas?) looked at me with defeated eyes. Was I being mean? No, I was just being The Alpha Gay.
***
SESSION ONE:
Pekpek Lady and The Pechay Soap
The first lady who spoke came from a company that made feminine washes. She won an award for her brilliant innovations in the field of vaginal soap. She yakked and yakked about her product and how they trampled competition. She used buzzwords such as synergy, innovation, viral marketing, above the line, etc. Not for anything, but lahat ng sinasabi niya eh napag-aralan ko na sa MBA. Didn’t learn anything new. Perhaps I should also speak in a conference like this and use buzzwords such as eklavu, chenelyn boomboom, and as a salute to Franco Chan, I shall use Zeny Zabala every three sentences.
Pekpek Lady showed her TVCs and peddled her product. She retraced the history of their brand. (PEKPEK LADY: We saw an opportunity to overthrow the market leader!) She told everyone of her feminine wash’s product differentiation. (PEKPEK LADY: When you use our product, you’ll have a moisturized feeling down there. Unlike when you use Product X, it will give you a tight feeling.) I wanted to tell her that tight is good. It’s like your hymen grew back. She kept blabbing about her product’s Ph level, her product’s bottle and packaging. Kulang na lang eh magtinda siya sa stage. (PEKPEK LADY: Bili na kayo! Sige na! May 4 fragrances kami! Clear pa ang bote naming. Go na! We’re 30% cheaper than competitor! Lima isang-daan sige na bumili lang kayo!)
Pekpek Lady was nice enough that I wanted her to just end the product endorsement before I actually throw spitballs at her. She talked about her products latest innovation. (She really would not stop.) She relayed the story of how some of the people in their FGDs confessed to using toothpaste as a feminine wash because it gives them a ‘cool, minty feeling’ down there. HUWAAAAAT??? Sino naman ang aamin na gumagamit sila ng toothpaste para panghugas ng kepyas?!? Heller, ako nga gumagamit ako minsan ng Cream Silk conditioner as lubricant pero I will never admit to it.
PEKPEK LADY: You may find it absurd but people in the provinces actually use toothpaste as their feminine wash. I am not inventing this. They actually said that the cool, minty feel made them “smile all day because of the freshness of my vajayjay.”
I wanted to raise my hand and ask, “Tinanong mo ba kung may ngipin yung puke nila sa probinsya?” I found this idea really absurd. It’s like suggesting that I insert Stork up my ass to give me a menthol cool feeling in my crack. (THOUGHT TO SELF: Develop new product – menthol suppositories for gay people.) She kept talking about vaginas in euphemisms but, subconsciously, she must have been thinking of pubes coz she accidentally blurted out, “As a matter of fuck.” I chortled like a pervy high school kid much to the dismay of the people around me.
***
SESSION TWO:
Kicking Osteoporosis’s Arse
The second speaker has this certain “Aw, shucks” quality to her. Like, if she weren’t one of the speakers, I can imagine being friends with her. We’d probably have coffee dates and talk about our newest purchases in Rockwell and feign over how cute our toy dogs are. She reminds me of that perky girl from Hairspray. What’s her name? Oh, yeah, John Travolta.
I actually enjoyed her talk. I learned, probably not new things, but I learned that hearing something you already know can seem like brand spanking new if the speaker is wearing a nice Twiggy dress with a matching polka dotted headband.
She talked about how her product sort of launched the fight against osteoporosis. Their big campaign was groundbreaking. Their 360 approach to marketing proved successful that their milk is market leader. (VIC: But really, Chabelita, ilan lang ba ang gatas na panglaban sa osteoporosis?) Like the first speaker, she may have thought that her ‘speaking engagement’ is a platform for her to self-congratulate the company’s brilliant marketing efforts spearheaded by...her.
During the Q&A, sinaniban ako nga kamalditahan and asked a catty question. (VIC: Hi, I’m Vic. You talked about successful advocacy campaigns. Congratulations on the successful launch of Anlene with your Guinness Record Breaking event. My question is: how did you bounce back from the failure of a more ambitious campaign which was your second try to break your own record? Did the underwhelming response deter you from more advocacy launches?) She was trying her best to answer this by playing spin doctor but the damage has been done.
***
SESSION THREE:
Ang Pangit Mo!!!
I really, really hated the third speaker. The first two had charm; I just didn’t like their self-congratulatory attitude. But the third speaker was like a cross between an ugly person and a pit bull. Kumbaga, kapag nagkaanak si Lolit Solis at isang pit bull, siya ang lalabas.
Forgive me for being so petty and judgmental, but she was not only fugly, she didn’t make sense. She is a self-made woman who was probably pointed at and laughed at back in high school. This was her sort of revenge for the world’s cruelty to her. She relayed her life story. (PIT BULLSHIT: I was always taught by my parents to be an antrapranyur. Nagtitinda po ako ng yosi at kendi kapag bakasyon at yun po ang ginagamit ko pambili ng gamit sa school.) It’s very admirable, really. But her using a PowerPoint presentation with her template of Marian Rivera as Darna is just ... bad taste. She kept saying words like antrapranyur and filanthrofee that I had to look at the cute person on my row to distract myself.
***
BUZZ BREAK MUNA:
Eye Candy Epic Fail
There was a cute guy in my row. Chinito, clean-looking, athletic type, nicely dressed with a very cute ass. He kept looking at me as well. I knew he wasn’t gay but he kept looking at me. I actually know him from somewhere. Did I date him? But he isn’t gay! Was he a schoolmate? He’s probably four, five years younger than me. Where did I see him before???
He kept looking at me. Tinitignan ba niya ko dahil medyo chinecheck out ko siya. I checked his shoes and they were like mine. Italian, structured and of a unique color. Pero he really isn’t gay. So how do I know him? I tried to go through all *** Skyflakes but his file did not come up. Palaisipan, now na!
During the break, he approached me. I was ready to blush or run depending on his opening remark. To my disappointment, he opened the conversation with “Hey Jonjee (my nickname at home and with relatives), how are things? Do you still play badminton?” Potah. I now remember who he was. He’s the boyfriend of a cousin of mine. I met him a couple of years back and see him during big family gatherings. Shyet.
***
SESSION FOUR:
Lupa, Kainin Mo na Ako!!!
I thought that the third session was bad; clearly I did not anticipate the fourth speaker. The fourth speaker is a Chinese-Filipino whose business is a shoe boutique that I actually frequent. They have nice shoes and their paper bags are just charming in a masculine way. Plus, I buy shoes from their store when prices get cut by 70%.
The photo of the fourth speaker made him look like a person with Down’s Syndrome. His smile is just charming bordering on spastic. Parang siya yung mongoloid na cute na matutuwa ka dahil nakakabilang na siya hanggang twenty. (VIC: WOW! Twenty! Yehey! Big boy na si Totoy!)
When I saw the fourth speaker in real life, the traces of the cute spastic person who can count up to twenty were gone. Up on the pedestal was this Chinese guy with unkempt hair and no smiles at all. What makes it worse is he has no speaking skills at all. I am not just pertaining to public speaking skills, but actually talking skills. He kept dropping the microphone, kept losing his pages and kept getting off track. Suddenly I missed Pekpek Lady and John Travolta. Hell, I would rather listen to Kris Aquino with PMS than to this atrocity of a speaker.
VIC: No wonder they gave me a free seat to this event! The speakers suck! How much did this guy pay for that damn award??? If this is what it takes to speak in public, then I am gonna speak next week. Topic: THIS SEMINAR SUCKS ASS! And you want product innovation? Menthol suppositories!!! That’s where all the money will be!!!
Sure, the Chinese guy had a disclaimer that he is really not a public speaker. But he should have really just come clean by confessing all his marketing ideas weren’t really his. He gave tips on how to get great ideas: read magazines and books for example. He tried to tell a supposedly funny anecdote on how he used to hate reading and would not even open a book if it didn’t have pictures. No one laughed. I wanted to do a fake laugh just to make him feel better about himself but I was distracted by my own imagination. I was actually imagining that he had a screensaver on his wide, chubby body. Parang may bouncing thing ba kagaya nung sa mga DVD. Anything to pass the time.
I told my seatmate that the Chinese guy is just so dreadful and zombie-like. This person is in desperate need of a sugar rush. He should embark on a new career as someone who’d make baby’s sleep with his voice na parang panis na laway ang tunog. (TISH: Ano naman ang tunog ng panis na laway?!?!?)
***
SESSION FIVE:
Ang Paborito Kong Sabungero
I enjoyed the fifth speaker. He was genuinely funny. He was warm and self-deprecating. His product, poultry feeds, is not a mass consumer product but he made me wanna buy one para papakin ko habang nanonood ng sine. He is that effective and he wasn’t even gratuitously plugging his product.
The guy showed photos of a league of men who were strangers to us. (SABUNGERO: Do you know who these guys are? Of course not, because you are not my target market.) He showed charming TVCs of his product which all the more made me want to hoard all of Thunderbird Feeds in my local poultry supply store because I, too, wanna have “The Winning Formula”. (SABUNGERO: Our product line is just like any ordinary product line. Kasi cocks are just like babies. So think of our feeds as Nido. May Nido One, Nido Plus 3, etc.)
I liked this guy because it has been a long time since I heard someone say ‘cock’ in public and in front of two hundred professionals. Okay, 199 lang sila kasi I was chuckling with the word ‘cock’ which makes me sooo unprofessional. I didn’t even try to hold back my snickers when he said words like ‘cocker’, (guys who take care of cocks), ‘cybercockers’, (guys who form groups in the internet) and phrases like ‘stages of cock’. (SABUNGERO: Kapag sa stages of cock, malaki na yung cock na hawak mo, dapat iba na ang feeds na pinapatuka mo.) I must really buy Thunderbirds Feeds kasi gusto ko malaki na rin yung cock na hawak ko.
***
SESSION SIX:
Charm Personified
The last speaker was charming. She’s like the cool college blockmate of yours who really is well-liked because she does her homework and she doesn’t mind if you copy off her work. She talked about emotional marketing and I can relate since I am trying to create marketing campaigns for an NGO. She works for an ice cream corporation. I actually love their ice cream and am a loyal patron. She gave a background of her product and expounded on what emotional marketing really is.
She made sense when she explained that it was important for her company and its employees to actually live up to the values their product espouses. I like their campaign and now have a great idea on how to make a marketing campaign for Children’s Hour tailor-made for twenteeners and young professionals.
The last speaker also showed a lot of TVCs of her products. I did not complain because I miss those TVCs. Growing up, I actually love the values-formation of the commercials. What more, I believe that their product is one of excellent quality and is proudly Filipino-made. I did not have any snide remarks about her. I don’t know if she was actually a great speaker or I was just thankful that she made more sense than the third and fourth speakers. Regardless, I had a strong urge to suddenly buy ice cream.
***
Leaving the forum, I asked my cousin’s boyfriend if he enjoyed the seminar. He said it was alright. I told him that for me, it was generally amiable. (But I gave such low marks on my survey sheet for speakers three and four.) I didn’t learn something new probably because I did my MBA and the ideas of some of the speakers were just dated. One would think I left the seminar with much disappointment.
But I left Mandarin with a renewed sense of self. I felt good about myself because I know that should I also vie for the award these people just won, I would be a sure bet to win. And I’d probably give a lively and wonderful talk about how I got the idea for a very innovative product which is my Menthol Ass Candies while I was craving for ice cream topped with Thunderbirds Feeds.
I was sceptical at first because when I got the primer, I saw that the speakers were made to pose like successful power bitches with rehearsed heart warming smiles that seem to ask people to think, “Wow, they’re successful and smart and sassy...but nice.” Sadly, the only word that came to my mind was ‘Meh.’
I got into The Mandarin and registered. I scanned the vicinity for some Afternoon Eye Candy. I noticed that the ushers were gay-ish. I looked down at their shoes. Pointy black shoes with an extra luster, as if pinahiran ng lip gloss, or pag Purita Magbanua ang badidang, petroleum jelly. These ushers weren’t gay-ish. They’re confeermed Vak. Confeermed kung confeermed. Being the cordial gay person that I am, I complimented the two Vaks for their shoes.
VIC: I like your shoes. They’re very nice.
Of course they both said thanks. And being the haughty gay people that they probably are, they also looked at my shoes, as if to compare. Sorry na lang sila kasi ang sapatos ko eh mas pointy sa sapatos nila at ang kulay eh hindi ho-hum black. Mine were dirty tan with such a severely engineered structure which required me two weeks to break-in. The two gay ushers (or are they usheretitas?) looked at me with defeated eyes. Was I being mean? No, I was just being The Alpha Gay.
***
SESSION ONE:
Pekpek Lady and The Pechay Soap
The first lady who spoke came from a company that made feminine washes. She won an award for her brilliant innovations in the field of vaginal soap. She yakked and yakked about her product and how they trampled competition. She used buzzwords such as synergy, innovation, viral marketing, above the line, etc. Not for anything, but lahat ng sinasabi niya eh napag-aralan ko na sa MBA. Didn’t learn anything new. Perhaps I should also speak in a conference like this and use buzzwords such as eklavu, chenelyn boomboom, and as a salute to Franco Chan, I shall use Zeny Zabala every three sentences.
Pekpek Lady showed her TVCs and peddled her product. She retraced the history of their brand. (PEKPEK LADY: We saw an opportunity to overthrow the market leader!) She told everyone of her feminine wash’s product differentiation. (PEKPEK LADY: When you use our product, you’ll have a moisturized feeling down there. Unlike when you use Product X, it will give you a tight feeling.) I wanted to tell her that tight is good. It’s like your hymen grew back. She kept blabbing about her product’s Ph level, her product’s bottle and packaging. Kulang na lang eh magtinda siya sa stage. (PEKPEK LADY: Bili na kayo! Sige na! May 4 fragrances kami! Clear pa ang bote naming. Go na! We’re 30% cheaper than competitor! Lima isang-daan sige na bumili lang kayo!)
Pekpek Lady was nice enough that I wanted her to just end the product endorsement before I actually throw spitballs at her. She talked about her products latest innovation. (She really would not stop.) She relayed the story of how some of the people in their FGDs confessed to using toothpaste as a feminine wash because it gives them a ‘cool, minty feeling’ down there. HUWAAAAAT??? Sino naman ang aamin na gumagamit sila ng toothpaste para panghugas ng kepyas?!? Heller, ako nga gumagamit ako minsan ng Cream Silk conditioner as lubricant pero I will never admit to it.
PEKPEK LADY: You may find it absurd but people in the provinces actually use toothpaste as their feminine wash. I am not inventing this. They actually said that the cool, minty feel made them “smile all day because of the freshness of my vajayjay.”
I wanted to raise my hand and ask, “Tinanong mo ba kung may ngipin yung puke nila sa probinsya?” I found this idea really absurd. It’s like suggesting that I insert Stork up my ass to give me a menthol cool feeling in my crack. (THOUGHT TO SELF: Develop new product – menthol suppositories for gay people.) She kept talking about vaginas in euphemisms but, subconsciously, she must have been thinking of pubes coz she accidentally blurted out, “As a matter of fuck.” I chortled like a pervy high school kid much to the dismay of the people around me.
***
SESSION TWO:
Kicking Osteoporosis’s Arse
The second speaker has this certain “Aw, shucks” quality to her. Like, if she weren’t one of the speakers, I can imagine being friends with her. We’d probably have coffee dates and talk about our newest purchases in Rockwell and feign over how cute our toy dogs are. She reminds me of that perky girl from Hairspray. What’s her name? Oh, yeah, John Travolta.
I actually enjoyed her talk. I learned, probably not new things, but I learned that hearing something you already know can seem like brand spanking new if the speaker is wearing a nice Twiggy dress with a matching polka dotted headband.
She talked about how her product sort of launched the fight against osteoporosis. Their big campaign was groundbreaking. Their 360 approach to marketing proved successful that their milk is market leader. (VIC: But really, Chabelita, ilan lang ba ang gatas na panglaban sa osteoporosis?) Like the first speaker, she may have thought that her ‘speaking engagement’ is a platform for her to self-congratulate the company’s brilliant marketing efforts spearheaded by...her.
During the Q&A, sinaniban ako nga kamalditahan and asked a catty question. (VIC: Hi, I’m Vic. You talked about successful advocacy campaigns. Congratulations on the successful launch of Anlene with your Guinness Record Breaking event. My question is: how did you bounce back from the failure of a more ambitious campaign which was your second try to break your own record? Did the underwhelming response deter you from more advocacy launches?) She was trying her best to answer this by playing spin doctor but the damage has been done.
***
SESSION THREE:
Ang Pangit Mo!!!
I really, really hated the third speaker. The first two had charm; I just didn’t like their self-congratulatory attitude. But the third speaker was like a cross between an ugly person and a pit bull. Kumbaga, kapag nagkaanak si Lolit Solis at isang pit bull, siya ang lalabas.
Forgive me for being so petty and judgmental, but she was not only fugly, she didn’t make sense. She is a self-made woman who was probably pointed at and laughed at back in high school. This was her sort of revenge for the world’s cruelty to her. She relayed her life story. (PIT BULLSHIT: I was always taught by my parents to be an antrapranyur. Nagtitinda po ako ng yosi at kendi kapag bakasyon at yun po ang ginagamit ko pambili ng gamit sa school.) It’s very admirable, really. But her using a PowerPoint presentation with her template of Marian Rivera as Darna is just ... bad taste. She kept saying words like antrapranyur and filanthrofee that I had to look at the cute person on my row to distract myself.
***
BUZZ BREAK MUNA:
Eye Candy Epic Fail
There was a cute guy in my row. Chinito, clean-looking, athletic type, nicely dressed with a very cute ass. He kept looking at me as well. I knew he wasn’t gay but he kept looking at me. I actually know him from somewhere. Did I date him? But he isn’t gay! Was he a schoolmate? He’s probably four, five years younger than me. Where did I see him before???
He kept looking at me. Tinitignan ba niya ko dahil medyo chinecheck out ko siya. I checked his shoes and they were like mine. Italian, structured and of a unique color. Pero he really isn’t gay. So how do I know him? I tried to go through all *** Skyflakes but his file did not come up. Palaisipan, now na!
During the break, he approached me. I was ready to blush or run depending on his opening remark. To my disappointment, he opened the conversation with “Hey Jonjee (my nickname at home and with relatives), how are things? Do you still play badminton?” Potah. I now remember who he was. He’s the boyfriend of a cousin of mine. I met him a couple of years back and see him during big family gatherings. Shyet.
***
SESSION FOUR:
Lupa, Kainin Mo na Ako!!!
I thought that the third session was bad; clearly I did not anticipate the fourth speaker. The fourth speaker is a Chinese-Filipino whose business is a shoe boutique that I actually frequent. They have nice shoes and their paper bags are just charming in a masculine way. Plus, I buy shoes from their store when prices get cut by 70%.
The photo of the fourth speaker made him look like a person with Down’s Syndrome. His smile is just charming bordering on spastic. Parang siya yung mongoloid na cute na matutuwa ka dahil nakakabilang na siya hanggang twenty. (VIC: WOW! Twenty! Yehey! Big boy na si Totoy!)
When I saw the fourth speaker in real life, the traces of the cute spastic person who can count up to twenty were gone. Up on the pedestal was this Chinese guy with unkempt hair and no smiles at all. What makes it worse is he has no speaking skills at all. I am not just pertaining to public speaking skills, but actually talking skills. He kept dropping the microphone, kept losing his pages and kept getting off track. Suddenly I missed Pekpek Lady and John Travolta. Hell, I would rather listen to Kris Aquino with PMS than to this atrocity of a speaker.
VIC: No wonder they gave me a free seat to this event! The speakers suck! How much did this guy pay for that damn award??? If this is what it takes to speak in public, then I am gonna speak next week. Topic: THIS SEMINAR SUCKS ASS! And you want product innovation? Menthol suppositories!!! That’s where all the money will be!!!
Sure, the Chinese guy had a disclaimer that he is really not a public speaker. But he should have really just come clean by confessing all his marketing ideas weren’t really his. He gave tips on how to get great ideas: read magazines and books for example. He tried to tell a supposedly funny anecdote on how he used to hate reading and would not even open a book if it didn’t have pictures. No one laughed. I wanted to do a fake laugh just to make him feel better about himself but I was distracted by my own imagination. I was actually imagining that he had a screensaver on his wide, chubby body. Parang may bouncing thing ba kagaya nung sa mga DVD. Anything to pass the time.
I told my seatmate that the Chinese guy is just so dreadful and zombie-like. This person is in desperate need of a sugar rush. He should embark on a new career as someone who’d make baby’s sleep with his voice na parang panis na laway ang tunog. (TISH: Ano naman ang tunog ng panis na laway?!?!?)
***
SESSION FIVE:
Ang Paborito Kong Sabungero
I enjoyed the fifth speaker. He was genuinely funny. He was warm and self-deprecating. His product, poultry feeds, is not a mass consumer product but he made me wanna buy one para papakin ko habang nanonood ng sine. He is that effective and he wasn’t even gratuitously plugging his product.
The guy showed photos of a league of men who were strangers to us. (SABUNGERO: Do you know who these guys are? Of course not, because you are not my target market.) He showed charming TVCs of his product which all the more made me want to hoard all of Thunderbird Feeds in my local poultry supply store because I, too, wanna have “The Winning Formula”. (SABUNGERO: Our product line is just like any ordinary product line. Kasi cocks are just like babies. So think of our feeds as Nido. May Nido One, Nido Plus 3, etc.)
I liked this guy because it has been a long time since I heard someone say ‘cock’ in public and in front of two hundred professionals. Okay, 199 lang sila kasi I was chuckling with the word ‘cock’ which makes me sooo unprofessional. I didn’t even try to hold back my snickers when he said words like ‘cocker’, (guys who take care of cocks), ‘cybercockers’, (guys who form groups in the internet) and phrases like ‘stages of cock’. (SABUNGERO: Kapag sa stages of cock, malaki na yung cock na hawak mo, dapat iba na ang feeds na pinapatuka mo.) I must really buy Thunderbirds Feeds kasi gusto ko malaki na rin yung cock na hawak ko.
***
SESSION SIX:
Charm Personified
The last speaker was charming. She’s like the cool college blockmate of yours who really is well-liked because she does her homework and she doesn’t mind if you copy off her work. She talked about emotional marketing and I can relate since I am trying to create marketing campaigns for an NGO. She works for an ice cream corporation. I actually love their ice cream and am a loyal patron. She gave a background of her product and expounded on what emotional marketing really is.
She made sense when she explained that it was important for her company and its employees to actually live up to the values their product espouses. I like their campaign and now have a great idea on how to make a marketing campaign for Children’s Hour tailor-made for twenteeners and young professionals.
The last speaker also showed a lot of TVCs of her products. I did not complain because I miss those TVCs. Growing up, I actually love the values-formation of the commercials. What more, I believe that their product is one of excellent quality and is proudly Filipino-made. I did not have any snide remarks about her. I don’t know if she was actually a great speaker or I was just thankful that she made more sense than the third and fourth speakers. Regardless, I had a strong urge to suddenly buy ice cream.
***
Leaving the forum, I asked my cousin’s boyfriend if he enjoyed the seminar. He said it was alright. I told him that for me, it was generally amiable. (But I gave such low marks on my survey sheet for speakers three and four.) I didn’t learn something new probably because I did my MBA and the ideas of some of the speakers were just dated. One would think I left the seminar with much disappointment.
But I left Mandarin with a renewed sense of self. I felt good about myself because I know that should I also vie for the award these people just won, I would be a sure bet to win. And I’d probably give a lively and wonderful talk about how I got the idea for a very innovative product which is my Menthol Ass Candies while I was craving for ice cream topped with Thunderbirds Feeds.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Drag Me to Hell Where?
“Hit me with your best invite, and if I like it, I’ll go.” This is what I always tell my friends. After years of doing the same old same old in Manila, I lately crave for some new and unexpected things to do. My point is simple: I go out almost every night. I go to the same places in Makati – with Rockwell being the safest bet of where I find myself drinking the night away. So during weekends, I am craving for something new. The good thing about this new belief system is, my friends never run out of brilliant and insane things to do when the weekend arrives.
***
Pechay in the City of Angels
Sometime in June
With no plans for the weekend, I thought I was gonna spend another ordinary Saturday night drinking either in Grams in Rockwell or maybe at The Fort. I even surrendered to the idea that I may just stay in and watch DVDs. Boo. It was 11:40 AM and I was in the shower when I got The Call.
JOYCE: Hey Vic! Go to my house at 1PM. We’re going to Clark!
I didn’t even ask Joyce what we were doing, or who we were gonna go to Clark with. I just closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said, “I’ll be there.” Yan ang ultimate kaladkarin. Wala nang tanung-tanong. Should my friend tell me to grab a shovel coz we’re gonna bury a dead body all the way in Sagada, my only question would’ve been, “What will I wear?”
I found out that Joyce and my dear friend Isa chatted over YM a couple of minutes earlier and had agreed that they were both bored and they wanna go out of town. (ISA: Let’s go to Clark! Like, now na!) Thank God I have friends who have damaged brain cells to make such a fun and impromptu weekend trip. I went to my Mom and informed her, “Hey Mom, I’m going to Clark. What are you up to today?” (MOM: Clark? Pampanga? Okay, have fun! I’m going to Antipolo with some friends. I’ll see you tonight then! Love you!) I guess I got it from my Mom, the kaladkarin gene.
Isa, Adrian, Mic, Joyce and I all trekked to Rockwell and drove to Pampanga. What were we to do? We decided to go to C’s Italian Diner, the posh kainan sa gilid ng Clark. I would have wanted to do a Pampanga food tour with that Claud Tayag pero keri ko rin ang C’s. (ISA: We can also do a bar tour of the girlie bars in Clark!) Pechay hunting it is.
I felt bad for our two male friends, Adrian (Isa’s boyfriend) and Mic (Joyce’s BFF), both of whom just kept rolling their eyes. To them, I guess it beats being online on a Saturday afternoon. During the drive, Isa made kwento about her mishap about a thief, a laptop, her experiences with red tape and pent up anger.
ISA: Alam mo yun, nanakawan na nga ako ng laptop, nabalik nga yung laptop, tapos sira pa siya! Tapos sa presinto, kaasar pa yung mga magnanakaw kasi nakuha pa nilang mag-sorry pero alam mo yung walang sincerity?!? As in, ‘Sorry, Ma’am.’ Minura ko nga eh. Putang ina nila, pagkatapos nila akong mahassle-hassle, biglang magsosorry pa sila ng walang kwenta?!?! Nakakainit ng ulo ang mga hinayupak na yun eh!
Isa Alvarez, inspiration for Grumpy Bear. Mic, on the other hand, I think got irked with me with all the nonsense I’ve been blabbing about. (VIC: Mic, if you were a butterfly, anong kulay ng wings ang gusto mo?) He is surprised (or maybe not) with all these nonsensical stuff: Platon, pag ba ikaw, sa downtime mo, yan ang mga iniisip mo? Yung mga ganyang bagay??? In a word, yes.
Joyce had a slight problem with being in Pampanga. She didn’t ask permission from her parents, who thought she was in law school. To her credit, she didn’t cut classes; she just didn’t have any.
JOYCE: What if my Mom sees me in Pampanga? She’s always in Clark! What the hell am I gonna tell her?
ADRIAN: Just wrap your head with one of your scarves and just introduce yourself to people as Ka Joyce. You’re like our rebel chick.
We had one of the best meals I’ve had in a few weeks. After which, we had a few drinks in this biker bar, Eagle’s Crest or Spread Eagle. Basta may eagle siya tapos nakita pa namin ni Mic si Gimli from Lord of the Rings. Si Isa, she fell in love with the place. (ISA: I love the seats! I love the bikers! I love Pampanga!) We then drove along the strip to see where girls, um, strip. With such promising names as R&B, Blue Balls, Mirrors and whatever dingy club name they can think of, we decided to drink wherever. Ending up in a strip club names Nasty Duck was quite expected.
Ping pong balls. Dance offs with strippers. (VIC: Yung tiyan nung babae, parang sinasaniban! Pwes, tatalunin ko siya!) Beer at P40. Beer warmers (or kung ano man yung tawag sa kanila) which smells of ‘jasmine’. Lady Gaga. Pole dancing. Tongue. Pole. More beer. Splits. It was all a daze. It was suddenly 7PM and we had visited 3 strip clubs and 1 biker bar. We decided to head home. The drive was terrible. (You try holding your pee for two hours.) Traffic was a bitch. Mic wasn’t a happy camper since he had to be in Manila by 9PM. We arrived in Rockwell at 10. What a day.
***
From Lao Tzu or some other wise Chinese person, probably Jackie Chan: It does not matter how slowly you go, so as long as you do not stop.
***
Imus Woot Woot!
July Something
My friend Mara is such a sweetheart. She always invites me to her boyfriend’s band’s gig. Since I am not really a rocker-rocker, of course I had some apprehensions. I heard Shoulder State, Franco’s band, in RJ. To their perpetual credit, they sounded good even if they lacked a member – my somewhat friend, Chino. I next watched a Shoulder State gig in Saguijo. Mara, again, invited me to watch the band, now no longer half-baked. I loved their sound. They don’t sound like any other Pinoy band I have heard. I thought they sounded like Deathcab for Cutie married with early Green Day. (VIC: I love the layers! I can isolate the sounds! Siguro ang galing nyo lalo pag nakatorva ako!)
MARA: Hey Vic, their next gig is in Imus this Saturday. Let’s watch?
VIC: Imus? As in Imus, Cavite? As in out of town trip?
MARA: Yup.
VIC: Okay. Let’s go to Imus!
Again, I did not ask what the gig was. Were they to be the opening number for the Intramurals in Barangay Camachile? Were they gonna be the band for the debut of Jordabelle, yung panganay ni Kagawad Larry sa Purok 3? Were we gonna be there as groupies or as majorettes? I did not ask these details. I just agreed, with blind faith.
***
I like Franco. He’s very sweet. He’s like the kid in high school whom every bully should shove inside lockers but don’t because, he’s actually very cool – like a hot geek who actually has some street cred. In short, para siyang si Herbert Bautista. Bigyan mo lang ng gintong barbell, he’d be transformed into Captain Barbell and everyone would cheer him on. Franco’s barbell is his wit. He’s very witty; his wit is borderline gay. But he’s not gay. He’s into musical theatre, but I am definite that he is not gay. Wala akong lansang naamoy.
***
Bembol Roco and ang Pinakamabahong KFC in the World
Meeting Point
I have no idea who decided on making Caltex in Buendia as our meeting point. It smelled of sewer. As in alive alive forever more ang amoy ng kachichas. As in imagine mo may tae sa harap mo tapos kinutsara mo yung tae at nilapit mo sa ilong mo. Ganoon kabaho. It’s not even a whiff, it’s like this presence. Parang si Voldemort. Si Voldemort na tae. Masuka-suka kami ni Tessa, heartthrob.
As we were waiting for our departure, we saw an accident wherein may isang apple bottom jean na motor na nabangga ng isang van. Buhay naman ang tao. As usual, ang daming taong nag-uzi. Count Chino and Vic as two of the uzis. In fairness to me and Chino, concerned lang kami kasi ayokong may mamatay sa aksidente. It’s tragic. Franco pointed out how Pinoys are just usiseros by nature. He even gave examples of typical situations wherein Pinoys would be Pinoys.
FRANCO: Imagine this, some foreigner will go buy balut for example. Several kanto stambays will approach the balut vendor as well. Look at the balut, then look at the foreigner with interest and with this weird look in their faces. Or like in that accident over there, dib a there’d always be people looking over someone’s shoulder? Even though there’s space for them to actually look at it at a clearer vantage point... Blah blah blah... Blah blah blah...
Franco then demonstrates how people are usiseros. He just hammed it up. Since he is into theatre and he is into acting, of course he would demonstrate how Pinoys are. I asked him if he actually thought of these things during his free time. He said yes. How pathetic. At least I think of butterfly wings and what color I would want mine to be.
Franco is a good conversationalist. He just wouldn’t stop blabbing. I like that. If you ask him a simple yes or no question, he’d yak and yak for five minutes just to make his introduction. I like that. There’s no room for dead air.
VIC: Franco, Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston?
FRANCO: Well, there are two schools of thought... Whitney clearly has the pipes to blah, blah, blah...
We decided that the smell of tae was too much and we went on our way to Imus. (MARA: Woot woot!) On the way to Imus, to fill the dead air, Franco opened the topic of swardspeak, as in talking like Tita Swarding. He asked if there’s like something in gay people that will make them understand new gay words which seem to just be invented 63 a minute. (May mali sa sentence ko. What I meant was 63 gay words are invented every minute. I should have divided the single sentence into two separate thoughts. Shoulda woulda coulda.)
FRANCO: I wanna invent my own gay term.
VIC: Go ahead.
FRANCO: Like, dib a there’s Bitter Ocampo? I like those eh, when you use names and make them gay terms. What’s the other one? Haggardo Versoza.
VIC: There’s also Gardo Versoza which pertains to security guards.
FRANCO: Great! So I wanna invent something for Bembol Roco.
After much deliberation on what can be the attributed to Mr. Roco, Franco and I sort of collaborated with what is Franco’s first gay term. Bembol Roco means pimple. Yung malaking pimple. As in mala-pigsa na sa laki. Pimple sounds like Bembol. Plus he’s bald. So pag malaki na pimple mo and wala naman dapat (DAPAT!) buhok ang pimple mo and kalbo siya, so pag nagkaroon siya ng mata at bibig, si Bembol Roco siya. Apir, Franco!
Franco also used Zeny Zabala (a contemporary of Odette Khan, Dexter Doria and Daria Ramirez) as a term for ‘any, bahala ka.’ Sample, “Hey Franco, where do you wanna eat tonight? McDonald’s or Julie’s Bakeshop?” Franco will reply, “Zeny Zabala.” It is all about delivery. It’s one of those things na dapat nandun ka para ma-gets mo.
***
From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Kowabongga!
***
Imus is The Bomb:
Word Associations
To summarize what the Imus Experience brought, I shall now type in random words that can all be attributed to that wonderful province of Cavite. Flags. Blue drums. Owner-type jeeps. Sweeney Todd. Bembol Roco. Zeny Zabala. Nestea VJs. Island Cove. Fishnet stockings. Lady Gaga. Jay-R wannabe. Hoochie Daddies. 100 Peso shirts. Aru, the gay gamer. Mara as Nesvita commercial model. Franco’s mini-fan club. Shoulder State in ASAP 09. Tessa’s Imus wedges. Pictorials. Coffee in Cavite. Warehouse parties in Cavite. Choco chip cookies. Mila’s shortbread. 90s songs. Drive back. Monkey face. Choz. Imus is the bomb. Woot fucking woot.
***
The weekend is coming up. I wonder whose invite will be the most winningest this time around.
***
Pechay in the City of Angels
Sometime in June
With no plans for the weekend, I thought I was gonna spend another ordinary Saturday night drinking either in Grams in Rockwell or maybe at The Fort. I even surrendered to the idea that I may just stay in and watch DVDs. Boo. It was 11:40 AM and I was in the shower when I got The Call.
JOYCE: Hey Vic! Go to my house at 1PM. We’re going to Clark!
I didn’t even ask Joyce what we were doing, or who we were gonna go to Clark with. I just closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said, “I’ll be there.” Yan ang ultimate kaladkarin. Wala nang tanung-tanong. Should my friend tell me to grab a shovel coz we’re gonna bury a dead body all the way in Sagada, my only question would’ve been, “What will I wear?”
I found out that Joyce and my dear friend Isa chatted over YM a couple of minutes earlier and had agreed that they were both bored and they wanna go out of town. (ISA: Let’s go to Clark! Like, now na!) Thank God I have friends who have damaged brain cells to make such a fun and impromptu weekend trip. I went to my Mom and informed her, “Hey Mom, I’m going to Clark. What are you up to today?” (MOM: Clark? Pampanga? Okay, have fun! I’m going to Antipolo with some friends. I’ll see you tonight then! Love you!) I guess I got it from my Mom, the kaladkarin gene.
Isa, Adrian, Mic, Joyce and I all trekked to Rockwell and drove to Pampanga. What were we to do? We decided to go to C’s Italian Diner, the posh kainan sa gilid ng Clark. I would have wanted to do a Pampanga food tour with that Claud Tayag pero keri ko rin ang C’s. (ISA: We can also do a bar tour of the girlie bars in Clark!) Pechay hunting it is.
I felt bad for our two male friends, Adrian (Isa’s boyfriend) and Mic (Joyce’s BFF), both of whom just kept rolling their eyes. To them, I guess it beats being online on a Saturday afternoon. During the drive, Isa made kwento about her mishap about a thief, a laptop, her experiences with red tape and pent up anger.
ISA: Alam mo yun, nanakawan na nga ako ng laptop, nabalik nga yung laptop, tapos sira pa siya! Tapos sa presinto, kaasar pa yung mga magnanakaw kasi nakuha pa nilang mag-sorry pero alam mo yung walang sincerity?!? As in, ‘Sorry, Ma’am.’ Minura ko nga eh. Putang ina nila, pagkatapos nila akong mahassle-hassle, biglang magsosorry pa sila ng walang kwenta?!?! Nakakainit ng ulo ang mga hinayupak na yun eh!
Isa Alvarez, inspiration for Grumpy Bear. Mic, on the other hand, I think got irked with me with all the nonsense I’ve been blabbing about. (VIC: Mic, if you were a butterfly, anong kulay ng wings ang gusto mo?) He is surprised (or maybe not) with all these nonsensical stuff: Platon, pag ba ikaw, sa downtime mo, yan ang mga iniisip mo? Yung mga ganyang bagay??? In a word, yes.
Joyce had a slight problem with being in Pampanga. She didn’t ask permission from her parents, who thought she was in law school. To her credit, she didn’t cut classes; she just didn’t have any.
JOYCE: What if my Mom sees me in Pampanga? She’s always in Clark! What the hell am I gonna tell her?
ADRIAN: Just wrap your head with one of your scarves and just introduce yourself to people as Ka Joyce. You’re like our rebel chick.
We had one of the best meals I’ve had in a few weeks. After which, we had a few drinks in this biker bar, Eagle’s Crest or Spread Eagle. Basta may eagle siya tapos nakita pa namin ni Mic si Gimli from Lord of the Rings. Si Isa, she fell in love with the place. (ISA: I love the seats! I love the bikers! I love Pampanga!) We then drove along the strip to see where girls, um, strip. With such promising names as R&B, Blue Balls, Mirrors and whatever dingy club name they can think of, we decided to drink wherever. Ending up in a strip club names Nasty Duck was quite expected.
Ping pong balls. Dance offs with strippers. (VIC: Yung tiyan nung babae, parang sinasaniban! Pwes, tatalunin ko siya!) Beer at P40. Beer warmers (or kung ano man yung tawag sa kanila) which smells of ‘jasmine’. Lady Gaga. Pole dancing. Tongue. Pole. More beer. Splits. It was all a daze. It was suddenly 7PM and we had visited 3 strip clubs and 1 biker bar. We decided to head home. The drive was terrible. (You try holding your pee for two hours.) Traffic was a bitch. Mic wasn’t a happy camper since he had to be in Manila by 9PM. We arrived in Rockwell at 10. What a day.
***
From Lao Tzu or some other wise Chinese person, probably Jackie Chan: It does not matter how slowly you go, so as long as you do not stop.
***
Imus Woot Woot!
July Something
My friend Mara is such a sweetheart. She always invites me to her boyfriend’s band’s gig. Since I am not really a rocker-rocker, of course I had some apprehensions. I heard Shoulder State, Franco’s band, in RJ. To their perpetual credit, they sounded good even if they lacked a member – my somewhat friend, Chino. I next watched a Shoulder State gig in Saguijo. Mara, again, invited me to watch the band, now no longer half-baked. I loved their sound. They don’t sound like any other Pinoy band I have heard. I thought they sounded like Deathcab for Cutie married with early Green Day. (VIC: I love the layers! I can isolate the sounds! Siguro ang galing nyo lalo pag nakatorva ako!)
MARA: Hey Vic, their next gig is in Imus this Saturday. Let’s watch?
VIC: Imus? As in Imus, Cavite? As in out of town trip?
MARA: Yup.
VIC: Okay. Let’s go to Imus!
Again, I did not ask what the gig was. Were they to be the opening number for the Intramurals in Barangay Camachile? Were they gonna be the band for the debut of Jordabelle, yung panganay ni Kagawad Larry sa Purok 3? Were we gonna be there as groupies or as majorettes? I did not ask these details. I just agreed, with blind faith.
***
I like Franco. He’s very sweet. He’s like the kid in high school whom every bully should shove inside lockers but don’t because, he’s actually very cool – like a hot geek who actually has some street cred. In short, para siyang si Herbert Bautista. Bigyan mo lang ng gintong barbell, he’d be transformed into Captain Barbell and everyone would cheer him on. Franco’s barbell is his wit. He’s very witty; his wit is borderline gay. But he’s not gay. He’s into musical theatre, but I am definite that he is not gay. Wala akong lansang naamoy.
***
Bembol Roco and ang Pinakamabahong KFC in the World
Meeting Point
I have no idea who decided on making Caltex in Buendia as our meeting point. It smelled of sewer. As in alive alive forever more ang amoy ng kachichas. As in imagine mo may tae sa harap mo tapos kinutsara mo yung tae at nilapit mo sa ilong mo. Ganoon kabaho. It’s not even a whiff, it’s like this presence. Parang si Voldemort. Si Voldemort na tae. Masuka-suka kami ni Tessa, heartthrob.
As we were waiting for our departure, we saw an accident wherein may isang apple bottom jean na motor na nabangga ng isang van. Buhay naman ang tao. As usual, ang daming taong nag-uzi. Count Chino and Vic as two of the uzis. In fairness to me and Chino, concerned lang kami kasi ayokong may mamatay sa aksidente. It’s tragic. Franco pointed out how Pinoys are just usiseros by nature. He even gave examples of typical situations wherein Pinoys would be Pinoys.
FRANCO: Imagine this, some foreigner will go buy balut for example. Several kanto stambays will approach the balut vendor as well. Look at the balut, then look at the foreigner with interest and with this weird look in their faces. Or like in that accident over there, dib a there’d always be people looking over someone’s shoulder? Even though there’s space for them to actually look at it at a clearer vantage point... Blah blah blah... Blah blah blah...
Franco then demonstrates how people are usiseros. He just hammed it up. Since he is into theatre and he is into acting, of course he would demonstrate how Pinoys are. I asked him if he actually thought of these things during his free time. He said yes. How pathetic. At least I think of butterfly wings and what color I would want mine to be.
Franco is a good conversationalist. He just wouldn’t stop blabbing. I like that. If you ask him a simple yes or no question, he’d yak and yak for five minutes just to make his introduction. I like that. There’s no room for dead air.
VIC: Franco, Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston?
FRANCO: Well, there are two schools of thought... Whitney clearly has the pipes to blah, blah, blah...
We decided that the smell of tae was too much and we went on our way to Imus. (MARA: Woot woot!) On the way to Imus, to fill the dead air, Franco opened the topic of swardspeak, as in talking like Tita Swarding. He asked if there’s like something in gay people that will make them understand new gay words which seem to just be invented 63 a minute. (May mali sa sentence ko. What I meant was 63 gay words are invented every minute. I should have divided the single sentence into two separate thoughts. Shoulda woulda coulda.)
FRANCO: I wanna invent my own gay term.
VIC: Go ahead.
FRANCO: Like, dib a there’s Bitter Ocampo? I like those eh, when you use names and make them gay terms. What’s the other one? Haggardo Versoza.
VIC: There’s also Gardo Versoza which pertains to security guards.
FRANCO: Great! So I wanna invent something for Bembol Roco.
After much deliberation on what can be the attributed to Mr. Roco, Franco and I sort of collaborated with what is Franco’s first gay term. Bembol Roco means pimple. Yung malaking pimple. As in mala-pigsa na sa laki. Pimple sounds like Bembol. Plus he’s bald. So pag malaki na pimple mo and wala naman dapat (DAPAT!) buhok ang pimple mo and kalbo siya, so pag nagkaroon siya ng mata at bibig, si Bembol Roco siya. Apir, Franco!
Franco also used Zeny Zabala (a contemporary of Odette Khan, Dexter Doria and Daria Ramirez) as a term for ‘any, bahala ka.’ Sample, “Hey Franco, where do you wanna eat tonight? McDonald’s or Julie’s Bakeshop?” Franco will reply, “Zeny Zabala.” It is all about delivery. It’s one of those things na dapat nandun ka para ma-gets mo.
***
From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Kowabongga!
***
Imus is The Bomb:
Word Associations
To summarize what the Imus Experience brought, I shall now type in random words that can all be attributed to that wonderful province of Cavite. Flags. Blue drums. Owner-type jeeps. Sweeney Todd. Bembol Roco. Zeny Zabala. Nestea VJs. Island Cove. Fishnet stockings. Lady Gaga. Jay-R wannabe. Hoochie Daddies. 100 Peso shirts. Aru, the gay gamer. Mara as Nesvita commercial model. Franco’s mini-fan club. Shoulder State in ASAP 09. Tessa’s Imus wedges. Pictorials. Coffee in Cavite. Warehouse parties in Cavite. Choco chip cookies. Mila’s shortbread. 90s songs. Drive back. Monkey face. Choz. Imus is the bomb. Woot fucking woot.
***
The weekend is coming up. I wonder whose invite will be the most winningest this time around.
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